Obscuring Tears
by boxers-or-briefs
Summary: After her parents are killed, Ruthie is reluctant to live with Lucy and Kevin. With a painful secret and Lucy acting like her mother, Ruthie is struggling to find closure. R&R! COMPLETE!
1. Lucy\'s Facade

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from _7th Heaven. _They belong to their creator, Brenda Hampton.  
  


**Obscuring Tears**  
**_Lucy's Facade_**  
  
_Every day when I awake_  
_My poor and heavy heart_  
_Deeply throbs with familiar ache._  
_Oh, why did we have to part?_

My eyes scan my poetic words recently written in a black and white checkered composition notebook. They are not a comfort, not that I expected them to be. Usually, my pieces are happy, giddy, even, because that is what my heart feels. Now...now the times are different. My heart is not school-girl-giddy anymore. It is heavy and dripping with sorrow and grief. 

Everyone around me doesn't seem to be affected. No tears, no sulking. Of course there _had_ been - at the funerals, but as time slowly faded away, becoming more and more meaningless, regardless, our parents' memory did the same. As I said, the times are different now. Time has passed along with the sympathy cards and cakes and flowers. My family seems about the same, striking me as disrespectful. 

I am fifteen now, and am trying to understand things better. In my younger years, I had been the person that you would come to for good advice, for information. It's odd. When I was young, I was able to see things clear and simple. Now, as I merge into adulthood, things have grown murky. My vision has been clouded and I find myself making stupid decisions and mistakes....

* * *

"You can't be serious!" Ruthie Camden screamed at her older sister, Lucy Kinkirk. 

These two sisters had gotten together for an afternoon stroll in the park. As they sat on one of the little two-person benches by the small pond feeding the ducks, Lucy had brought up one subject that struck Ruthie in a not-so-good way. 

"Why not, Ruthie? You have to live somewhere. I think the best place for you and the boys is with me and Kevin," Lucy explained, watching her sister closely. 

Ruthie was incredulous. "You actually had the audacity to tell me what is best for me?! You aren't Mom." Ruthie turned away from Lucy and went back to throwing pieces of food that she bought for the ducks with an attitude. 

"Ruthie." Lucy grabbed Ruthie's throwing arm and made her look at her. "Listen to me. Mom and Dad are dead." Lucy's voice trembled slightly as she blinked back her tears. 

Ruthie's eyes became slits. "I know that." Ruthie jerked her wrist away from her sister, but kept the intense gaze. 

"Look, I'm your last shot. Matt, Mary, Simon. They can't take you. And unless you'd rather be placed into a foster home than with me, your sister, I don't know what to tell you, Ruthie." 

Ruthie was silent, shifting her gaze from Lucy to her black and white Converse. There was so much that she wanted to say but couldn't. 

"When?" she asked softly. 

Lucy was somewhat shocked at this reply. She was expecting a lot more screaming. "When Kevin and I sign the papers next week." 

Ruthie took a deep breath and scanned the top of the muddy pond. She cast another couple handfuls of food to the ducks before standing and walking to the nearest trash can a few feet away. 

Lucy watched her sister, now a woman, throw away her brown bag that held the duck food, squinting in the sun. Ruthie was to come live with her and she was to be her legal guardian. Kind of weird, but it worked. They would be together. 

When Ruthie returned, they set off towards home, silence settling between them. Lucy didn't push Ruthie to talk, she knew that she was thinking. There was a lot to think about.

_When I close my eyes_  
_Whether day or night it be_  
_I will always see your faces_  
_Staring back at me._

Ruthie was sitting in her room, her feet neatly tucked under her, on the floor packing the last of her belongings. Basically, everything that she could fit into good sized brown boxes. Her bed, dresser, vanity, and night stand would be brought over to Lucy and Kevin's later in a big, orange and white U-HAUL truck. 

She was down to her last box but she was almost finished anyway. Only a few small things remained. Her shoe box of holiday cards that she had received from friends and family, a red lava lamp, and a small, oak wood chest with a gold clasp that didn't lock. 

The lava lamp and shoe box went into the box easily, but the chest nagged at her, begging her to open in. Ruthie had forgotten what treasure that she had hidden in here. 

She flipped the golden clasp upward and lifted the chest's lid. A small ballerina dressed in a pink, frilly tutu, spun slowly on a tiny disk while peaceful music played. Laying on a velvet lining, was a gold heart-shaped locket hung on an equally golden chain. 

Ruthie carefully lifted it out of the singing box and popped open the locket with the thin nail of her thumb. Inside was a picture of her parents sharing a kiss. A small smile appeared on her pale face as she remembered when her mother had given this to her. It had been on her fourteenth birthday. There was a story that went along with it, Ruthie just couldn't remember it. However it had gone, it had been lovely, she was sure of it. 

Ruthie undid the tiny clasp on the chain and locked it behind her neck. She put the box, now empty, in with the rest her things, and folded the flaps over. With a black Sharpie, she scribbled her name on it and carried it to the doorway of her room. One glance over her shoulder, Ruthie flicked off the light and left her room for the last time.

_I can do nothing..._  
_But cry in vain,_  
_For nothing seems..._  
_To ease my pain._

The yellow walls were bright and hurt Ruthie's eyes when she stepped into Lucy and Kevin's home. Two couches, one a love seat, were arranged in a square shape in the living room just off of the tan tiled foyer. Their house was only a one story which was another thing to get used to. 

Lucy was explaining something, but Ruthie wasn't listening. She was taking in the aspects of the house. It wasn't as if she hadn't been here before, she was just seeing it in a new light. This was to be her home. Forever. 

Ruthie followed her sister down a narrow, but equally yellow, hallway to the furthest door on the right. Lucy pushed open the white door and revealed an empty room, just right for a teenager. The last time Ruthie had seen this room, it had been Lucy's untidy office. It seemed strange without the desk and the clutter. 

"You're bed'll be here later tonight when Kevin gets off work. He'll take the truck down to the house and have a few friends help him load up," Lucy explained with a smile. Ruthie, personally, didn't feel happy at all. 

"Great," Ruthie mumbled. She sighed. 

Lucy clicked her tongue once and energetically suggested, "Why don't you wash your hands and help me with dinner?" 

Ruthie shrugged and exited the room, Lucy on her heels. 

"The bathroom's right there," Lucy unnecessarily pointed out. 

Ruthie gave her an annoyed look. 

"Right," Lucy said defeatedly. "You knew that." 

Ruthie nodded once and disappeared into the bathroom, shutting the door on her sister.

_I don't know anything_  
_At least, not anymore_  
_I am caught in the dark_  
_Nowhere is the trap door_

Crickets chirped outside her bedroom window. A dim, blue light crept in from under the blinds, painting the pale carpet and walls in thin stripes. Boxes were scattered throughout the room, their contents not yet unpacked. Kevin and a couple of his friends had brought her furniture over so she wouldn't have had to sleep on the floor or the couch. 

At least it was something familiar. Although she was only a few blocks away from that old house, she felt further. Her whole life, her life that she had just begun to get comfortable with, was flipped upside down. 

Everything was new. The room, the house, the crickets. Man, those crickets were annoying. She never had to deal with them before, she was up too high to hear anything going on outside in the grass. 

This new life scared her. Where was she to go from here? Everyone in Glenoak had known her parents, and that was what scared her the most. She didn't want someone to come up to her everywhere she went and get their sympathy. Sure, she was happy and thankful that people had respected her parents, but she didn't want to be reminded of that every single day. 

Ruthie Camden had never been one to keep a diary. She never knew what to write in it. There was never a great need to write her feelings down. Lucy had kept a diary (she probably still did), and Ruthie remembered the trouble she had with people being nosy and wanting to take a peek at what you had written. Besides, diaries were trouble. Instead, she professed her thoughts to the one who would always be there for her. From beginning to end. God. 

Slowly, Ruthie closed her eyes and began to pray. 

_God, this road that I walk along. This path that You have chosen for me. I know I have no choice but to keep on walking and take each stride in confidence that You would not put me in any danger. Each obstacle that You have thrown at me, I have defeated, but I don't know how much longer I can take this. You have designed me as a strong person. And now, after what has happened, I see why. I _have_ to be strong. No matter how much it hurts, I will stay strong. You have set a certain path for me, and I will choose to accept it, for I have no other choice. So, I pray to You, God, to help me through this obstacle. To help me jump the hurdle. I need You now more than ever. I trust You._

_I've never been more_  
_Confused in my life_  
_I might as well_  
_Be given the knife_

When Ruthie awoke the next morning, it took her a moment to remember what had happened. Every morning was like this. She would remember something had happened, something was different, and then it always hit her right after. Every time was the same. Her heart would sink impossibly low, almost to her stomach, and she would be depressed for the rest of the day. The next morning, the cycle would start over again. She never thought this would get any better. Or worse. 

There was a soft knock on her door. A knock that was so familiar, she would recognize it anywhere. It was Lucy. 

"Ruthie? Are you awake?" Lucy called. Instead of waiting for the reply that she knew she wasn't going to get, she opened the door and stepped in the room. 

Once she saw that Ruthie's eyes were open and she was, indeed awake, Lucy smiled and came to stand by the side of the bed. 

"Breakfast is on the table if you're hungry," Lucy informed. 

Ruthie refused to look into Lucy's eyes. It was just too hard. Lucy reminded her of her mother, Annie. She was afraid if she looked up, she would see Annie's eyes, soft and motherly. 

Lucy sighed and sat down near Ruthie's covered feet at the end of the bed. 

"Are you okay?" she asked. 

Ruthie's teeth clenched together as she rolled her eyes and sighed out through her nose. Of course she wasn't okay. Apparently, Lucy was....She seemed so chipper and cheerful. 

"Listen, Ruthie. We're all going to get through this. And now that you and the boys are going to be living with Kevin and me, it's going to be a lot easier." 

Ruthie bolted out of bed and looked at her sister incredulously. "How can you say that?!" Ruthie violently grabbed at the previous day's clothes and squeezed until her knuckles were white with fury. "It's never going to be okay! Mom and Dad are dead, and you just act like nothing has happened!" 

Lucy's smile quickly disappeared as she got to her feet. Words seemed useless. There was no convincing Ruthie of anything at this time in her life. 

"Everything is so screwed up and you don't even see it!" Ruthie spun on her heels and ran out of the room; the bathroom door slammed after seconds of stunned silence. 

Kevin appeared in the doorway. His hazel eyes were concerned. 

"What's going on?" he asked, seeing Lucy's eyes filling with tears. 

Kevin crossed the room hurriedly and wrapped his muscular arms around his wife before the first tear could fall. 

"Maybe it was wrong of me to try to make things seem normal for her. Maybe I'm just trying too hard." Lucy's words were muffled by Kevin's forest green T-shirt. 

Kevin caressed Lucy's back and kissed the top of her head not knowing what to say to comfort her.


	2. Sinking

  


**_Obscuring Tears_**   
_Sinking_

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_It seemed like just yesterday_   
_When you were here with me_   
_I guess I should be happy_   
_Now your soul has been set free_   


She flicked off the light switch with a lazy hand and picked her way back to her bed where her husband, Carlos Ponce, already lay. Mary slipped noiselessly under the deep emerald bedcovers and snuggled close against Carlos's arm. She sighed. 

"Something wrong?" Carlos asked her, his Spanish accented tiredly pronounced. 

Mary ran her index finger along Carlos's upper arm and replied, "Well, it's just that Thanksgiving is coming up and we usually meet at my parents' house." 

"Oh." 

Mary still her hand. "Should we have it here this year?" 

Carlos grunted, "Why don't we wait and call Matt and Sarah. We can check it out   
with them." 

"All right." A pause. "It's just going to be so weird this year and for the rest of our lives." 

Carlos kissed Mary's forehead. "I know. Are Kevin and Lucy adopting Ruthie and the boys?" 

"Mary nodded. "Yeah. Luce called and said that Ruthie wasn't very happy. They're worried about her." 

"It's understandable. Things are going to take some time getting used to." 

"You're right." 

Carlos knew that Mary was crying although her couldn't see her tears in the dark. He gave her a final kiss. 

"Everything will get better. I promise." 

Mary sighed. "Thanks, Honey. I love you." 

"I love you, too." 

They were just about to drift off to sleep when their three year old son, Jacob, came padding into the room and got into bed beside his mother, announcing that he had had a bad dream.   
  


_You said you would never leave me_   
_Said you would always be here_   
_But the time that I need you most_   
_You are nowhere near_   
  


_ "Mommy? Are you gonna die like grandma?"_   
_ "Oh, not for a very, very long time. I'll always be here when you need me."_

That was her promise. She said that she would always be there for me. A lie. That's what it was. A flat-out lie. 

Ruthie found herself angry at her mother while she sat on the back porch of Kevin and Lucy's yellow abode. She had sat herself on the middle cement step and was scanning the green and cheery grass with hardened eyes. A plastic doe in the corner of the yard, shadowed by trees, watched her out of one eye. 

"Ruthie?" The back door slid open and Lucy poked her head out. "The boys want to go down to the cemetery. Do you want to come with us?" 

Ruthie shook her head and twisted her white shoelace around her pinkie. She hoped that Lucy wouldn't try to make this moment into some sappy heart-to-heart. Ruthie just felt like being alone. 

Lucy sighed disappointedly, but she didn't say anything more. 

When Ruthie heard the boys and Lucy drive off in the car, she glanced back at the doe. It's little, beady, black eye was still on her. Ruthie narrowed her eyes. She stood and walked in directly to the statue. With all her strength and anger, Ruthie shoved the deer onto it's plastic, brown side and walked away, feeling slightly better. 

The inside of the house was quiet. It seemed as if everything had lost it's sound. Had forgotten how to annoy her. She had the voices in her head to do that now. 

"_I'll always be here for you, Ruthie."_

_ "I love you, Ruthie."_

Ruthie fell to her knees in the middle of the kitchen and pressed the palms of her hands into her forehead. 

"Shut up! Shut up!" she screamed. A sob sounded from deep in her throat. 

Ruthie rocked back and forth, trying to shake the voices from her head. "Get out," she moaned. "Get out. Get out." The tears she had shed fell onto the white linoleum and formed a small puddle. 

When Lucy and the boys arrived home twenty minutes later, Ruthie's sobs were just beginning to die out. 

Lucy told Sam and David to play outside for a while when she saw Ruthie in the kitchen. Afraid of what was going on, the boys obeyed willingly and headed out into the backyard. 

Lucy knelt down by her sister and pulled her close, trying to comfort her. 

"Shh," Lucy cooed. "It's okay." She smoothed Ruthie's silky hair and rocked her softly. 

Ruthie didn't object, but was grateful for the welcoming arms that were so much like her mother's.   


_I cry one tear for every time_   
_My heart calls out for you_   
_But you will never answer_   
_I shall forever be this blue_   
  


_ No one knew what had actually happened that day or why Eric and Annie had crashed. The investigators had blamed it on the slippery road. Not feeling creative, everyone had gone along with them. No one had wanted to relive the accident and think of another possible explanation._

_ Our family had gathered together after the funeral. Or funerals, if you wanted to get technical. Mom and Dad had both been killed in a tragic accident last Monday. And on the first school day too._

_ I had been in class when I was called out and sent home. I wasn't told anything for a long time. Then Detective Michaels and Lou had come over to our house and I had received the news. I only heard that my parents had been killed and the rest of the words just seemed to fade away._

_ At first, I didn't believe it, but then people began to come over and my siblings called to say that they were coming home. Sam and David were only in pre-kindergarten, and now they had to deal with this._

_ For days, I had locked myself in my room, not letting anyone come in. I would bury my head in my pillow and cry. My bed was where I stayed. I didn't eat, or sleep. Everyone was worried about me, but I didn't care. The only thing that ran through my mind was: my parents are dead._   


"You doin' okay?" Eric Camden put an arm around his wife as they stood together outside the door of a pre-kindergarten classroom, watching their boys play. 

Annie sighed. She turned to him and smiled, tears glistening in her eyes. "Yeah, I suppose. They're the last ones. The end of the line." 

Eric gave her a small, brave smile. "They've all grown up," Eric touched his thumb to her face, wiping away a single, salty tear that had fallen from her eye. 

"I know," Annie sniveled. "Now what am I supposed to do all day?" 

Eric chuckled and guided her away from the door. "I'll tell you what. When we get home, you can make me a snack." 

"Oh, stop it," Annie gave Eric a playful smack on the shoulder as they walked down the empty hallway and out of the school. 

It had been raining that day. Nothing out of the ordinary. Glenoak often got a bit of rain in September. The streets were wet and slippery as the rain came pouring down. As they say, when it rains, it pours. 

As they drove home, the windshield wipers were turned on full blast. Swish-swish. Back and forth. Swish-swish. 

Dark rain clouds covered the sky, blocking out the sunlight. The headlights on their car illuminated the shiny road that stretched out before them. Tree branches   
thrashed in the harsh wind. 

"Its really storming," Annie commented. 

Eric, not taking his eyes off the road, agreed. "No kidding." 

Annie lifted her purse off the floor and rummaged around, looking for her lipstick. She found it, but when she went to put it back, her hand bumped into the dashboard and the contents went rolling. 

"Oh, shoot," Annie said as she felt around the floor, trying to find everything and put it back. 

"Eric," Annie said. "my pen fell over on your side. Do you see it?" 

Eric glanced down. "Yeah. It's down there by the gas pedal." 

Annie leaned over in her seat, stretching to get to the pen. "I can't reach it." 

Eric sighed. "Here. Let me," Eric took one hand off of the wheel and felt around for it. His feelers couldn't find it, so he took a quick glance. He grabbed it and handed it to Annie. 

"Got it," he said, just as Annie had screamed. 

Newton's First Law of Motion had come into action. 

Eric's head jerked backward, then forward, colliding with the steering wheel. There was a blinding white light just before blackness took its place.   
  


_We all want the impossible_   
_And I want you to be with me_   
_Make that rainy day never happen_   
_Come back and make me happy_   


Simon Camden walked the halls of USC. He had gone back to school, not wanting to stick around and be overwhelmed with sadness. At least when he was at school, he had his studies to focus on. Not his loss. 

His family had been very upset with his decision, but in a way, they were jealous. Jealous because they didn't have the distraction that he had. 

In a way, he regretted his actions. It was painful not to have his family around. But he was dealing with it. He would find a way to go on. Not just because he wanted to; he _had _to. 

The February before his parents' accident, Simon had turned eighteen. That meant that he wasn't a ward of the state anymore. Ruthie and the boys were going to be adopted by Lucy and Kevin. That was one thing he was happy about. Not having to worry about his little sister and brothers took a load off of his shoulders. 

Just knowing that his parents were gone made him sick. He couldn't accept that the two people who he most loved in the entire world, were gone. The people who had raised him and taught him his morals that he stuck to, were no more. 

Simon reached his dorm and turned the knob.   
  
He wondered how Ruthie was doing. How the boys were doing. Even though he wasn't with them right now, didn't mean that he didn't love them. 

His fingers quickly dialed Lucy's number. It took three rings before someone finally picked up. 

"Hello?" 

"Hey, Kevin. It's Simon." 

"Hey, Simon. How are you?" 

"I'm fine," Simon lied. "Can I talk to Lucy?" 

"Sure." Simon heard Kevin set the phone down and call for Lucy. 

"Hey, Simon." Lucy sounded exhausted. 

"Hi, Luce. What's going on? You sound tired." 

Lucy sighed. "Oh. Ruthie's having a hard time, and I can't seem to help her." 

Simon's eyebrows knitted together. "What's the problem?" 

Lucy's voice tightened. "Guess." 

"Oh." Simon's heart sunk. 

He contemplated what he was about to suggest after he had tried to hard to not do it. 

"Should I come and stay with her?" Simon volunteered. 

Lucy sounded grateful. "Thanks, Simon. But, what about school?" 

"It'll be fine. I'll explain what's going on." 

Simon hung up with Lucy five minutes ago. His roommate had come into the room and asked where he was going. 

Simon looked at the half full suitcase and explained. 

"I'm going to stay with my sister for a few days." 

Michael nodded and left him alone. 

Simon buckled the suitcase and hoped that his coming would help not only Ruthie, but himself.   
  
  
  



	3. Blinding

**_Obscuring Tears_**   
_Blinding_

  


_I'm stepping out into the world_   
_Without your hand in mine_   
_Why must things happen to us_   
_How did we ge into this bind?_   
  


"Matt? Are you sure about this?" Sarah Camden asked her husband as her bustled around their small bedroom, extracting his clothes from the dresser and closet. 

Matt stopped in front of his wife and rested his hands gently on her narrow shoulders. 

"Sarah, I have to go to Glenoak. I have to be there for my family." 

Sarah searched Matt's eyes desperately, finding only herself unable to read him. "I understand that, Matt. But what I don't understand is why you have to drop out of school." 

Matt removed his hands, letting them drop carelessly to his side. "I'm not 'dropping out.' I'm just taking some time off. It's okay, I checked." 

"How _much_ time?" Sarah asked, sounding worried. 

Matt shrugged. "A month or so." 

Sarah threw up her hands. "'A month or so?!' Matt you are going to be extremely behind in your classes! You can't afford 'a month or so!'" 

Matt's voice was calm, but he was furious. "Sarah, do I have your support in this or not?" 

Sarah seemed to think for a moment, then, her voice even, replied, "I'm sorry, Matt. I understand you having to go see your family at a time like this. I support that. But I'm not with you on the 'school' thing." 

Sighing angrily, Matt zipped up his black suitcase. "Fine," was all her said to Sarah as he left his apartment and his wife.   
  


_Changing things for the worse_   
_Won't help anything_   
_Leaving things the same_   
_Will keep my heart in a sling_   
  


Kevin Kinkirk arrived home that night tired and hungry. He had just finished a twelve hour shift of Roxanne swooning over her new boyfriend, Greg, and was comparing him to Chandler. Apparently, Greg was "so much better than that minister guy." Greg was a brain surgeon - how ironic. No more using the phrase "it's not brain surgery" around Roxanne. She would probably just give him a free "Greg quote." 

Kevin opened the refrigerator and took out a jar of strawberry jelly that Lucy had made herself. He was spreading peanut butter - the chunky kind - on a slice of white bread when Lucy came in. 

She was dressed in her pajamas ( an old pair of sweat shorts and a large, white T-shirt), Lucy smiled and kissed him on the corner of his mouth. 

"I thought I heard you come in," she said. 

Kevin smooshed the two slices of bread together. "I'm sorry. Did I wake you?" 

Lucy sighed. "No." 

Kevin took a huge bite out of his sandwich, forcing Lucy to raise her eyebrows and giggle. 

"What?" Kevin asked, his mouth full of peanut butter and jelly sandwich. 

Lucy just shook her head and reached up to Kevin's mouth. She brushed away a bit of peanut butter. 

Kevin grinned, his cheeks puffing out. "Thanks." 

Lucy nodded and went to the fridge. She took out a gallon of two per cent milk and poured Kevin a glass. 

He smiled his thanks and guzzled down the cold beverage. 

Lucy leaned against the chilly countertop and watched her husband eat. 

"Is there something wrong?" Kevin asked her, his mouth rid of any food. 

Lucy shook her head, her smile gone. 

Kevin was about to take another bite of his meal when Lucy spoke: 

"I think we should move to New York." 

Kevin's eyes widened. "Come again?"   
  


_Behind these eyes of mine_   
_Is a world of extreme hurt_   
_Though you can't see it_   
_I know you are alert_   
__   
  


Sam had awoken to use the rest room when he heard what Lucy and Kevin were talking about. Forgetting all about his reason for getting up in the first place, he hurried to Ruthie's room down the hall. He pushed open the door and shook his sister's shoulders, rousing her from her unpleasant sleep. 

When she saw who had disturbed her, Ruthie rolled over trying to ignore Sam's small hands pushing on her body. 

"Ruthie, Lucy wants us to move to New York!" Sam explained in a hushed and excited whisper. 

Ruthie pretended not to hear him. Eventually, Sam gave up and left her alone. 

When she was sure Sam had gone back to bed Ruthie got up, closed her door, and flicked on the light. 

Her eyes watered from the sudden brightness, but Ruthie wiped at them vigorously. 

She was angry. Angry at Lucy for even _suggesting_ that they leave Glenoak. Her parents were buried here. There was no way that she was leaving to New York just because of her sister. 

Quickly and quietly, Ruthie shoved a few mis-matched clothes into her backpack. Before she fled the house through the small window, Ruthie left a note on her pillow addressed to Lucy, who found it the next morning.   
  


_Why must things be different?_   
_Why must things be the same?_   
_Is there ever a compromise?_   
_Will I always be to blame?_   
  


To some, spending the night in a cemetery would seem frightening, and a person would be considered crazy to do it. To others, it would be comforting and oddly reassuring...but only if your parents were buried there. 

Ruthie had found her mother and father's graves relatively quickly in the dark and, after straining her eyes to scan the headstones, she set her bag down and sat and the foot of a large tree that was nearby. 

Ruthie leaned her back against the rough surface of the trunk of the tree and closed her eyes. No one would, or could, make her leave Glenoak. Not even Lucy.   
  


_I plan to stay here_   
_In this very spot_   
_I'm never moving_   
_This is my lot._   
__   


Simon Camden rang Lucy and Kevin's doorbell around 10:30 A.M. Saturday morning. His twins brothers, Sam and David, had raced to answer the door. Lucy and Kevin appeared behind them seconds later. 

Simon smiled a sheepish hello at his brother-in-law as he was hugged by his sister, Lucy. 

They were all seated in the living room when Simon noticed something. Someone was missing. 

"Where's Ruthie?" Simon asked. 

Lucy shrugged. "Still asleep, I suppose. I haven't heard anything from her all morning," she explained. Lucy rose from her seat on the couch. "I'll go wake her." 

Simon watched his sister leave before turning his gaze to Kevin. 

"So, how's school going, Simon?" Kevin asked him. 

Simon shrugged. "Oh, you know. School's....school." Simon forced a smile and Kevin nodded. 

Nothing else had a chance to be said, for Lucy came back into the room, her face pale, a piece of white paper in her right hand. 

"What's wrong?" Kevin asked, getting to his feet. Simon followed suit, and stood. 

Lucy's shakey hand held out the paper. 

Kevin looked confused, but took the page from his wife. He read the words, then handed the note to Simon.   


_Lucy -_

_ I know what you were planning, and it isn't going to work, I am never going to leave Glenoak. Mom and Dad are buried here, and I'll never leave them. You were crazy to even think that moving to New York was a good idea._

_ - Ruthie_

_ P.S. -_

_ I **hate** you._   
  


Simon looked up from the paper to Lucy. She was sobbing in Kevin's arms. The boys were still sitting on the couch. David just looked confused, but Sam was fidgetting. 

Simon set the letter on the coffee table and kneeled in front of Sam. 

"Sam, how did Ruthie find out about New York?" Simon asked slowly, softly. 

Sam's bright, blue eyes looked into he worried green ones. "I told her." 

Simon let his head fall, a dull pain creeping up the back of his neck. It turned into a throb when it reached his temples. He stood and went to look out of the window. 

"Ruthie, what have you done?" he thought to himseld as a shiny, black Eclipse sped by.   
  


_The sunshine hits my face_   
_Sunny and very warm_   
_It gives my heart some feeling_   
_My cold heart that's been scorn_   
  


Warm sunshine bathed her pale skin as she slept under the tree. Footsteps were approaching her, but she ignored them, just wanting to enjoy the quietness and the black of her eyelids. 

Soon, the footsteps grew close and stopped beside her. Ruthie opened her eyes and looked up. The person's face was blocked out of her vision by the bright sun, but immediately knew who had come when he spoke. 

"Ruthie. Now, what are you doing out here?"   
  
  
  
  



	4. Fading Strength

  


**_Obscuring Tears_**   
_Fading Strength_   
__ __

* * *

  


_Just living without you_   
_Is a challenge within its own_   
_Each day that passes by_   
_I feel more and more alone_   


The colorful spots that had been dancing before Ruthie's eyes, began to slowly fade until they were no more. With the fierce sunlight as his backdrop, Ruthie could no longer hold her gaze on the familiar penetrating, blue eyes. For a few seconds, she felt guilty, for she had allowed her dear friend to be lost in her past. 

"Ruthie?" he called out to her, his voice sounding miles away. "What are you doing?" 

Ruthie took a much needed breath and sighed, "Moving passed the painfully obvious, I could ask you the same thing." Ruthie stared at nothing, her eyes forward. She saw nothing. 

"Oh," he chuckled nervously. "I just brought some flowers for your mom and dad." He set the artificial lilies gently on the graves. 

"That was nice of you." Her voice was toneless; emotionless. 

"Yeah, I guess." He dusted his hands on his jeans and sat beside her. Silence had settled in, but was abruptly broken. He covered her hands with his. Her rich, brown eyes jerked to match his blue ones, but her hands stayed still. 

"Ruthie, are you okay?" he asked her, though he felt he already knew the answer. 

Her voice dripping with sarcasm, she retorted, "What do you think?" 

He let his head drop as he exhaled. Then, ready to try again, he studied her face. 

"I know that we've been broken up for about a year now, but I want you to know that I still care about you. I always will. You know that I love you and I would do anything for you." A pause. "Look, I know this place....You don't have to talk about...things...if you don't want to. I won't push you. Just come and relax. Allow yourself to be distracted. Only for a while." 

Just when he thought she was about to say no, she wrapped her arms around him. When he was released, she got to her feet and collected the few things that she had brought along with her. 

"So, where's this place?"   


* * *

__

_I used to think it was easy_   
_Letting me leave, even for the night,_   
_Now I realize how hard it was_   
_I want you to be holding me tight._   


Seeing that Lucy was in no condition to play "leader," Kevin quickly took on the role himself. 

"Okay, so, Simon and I will do a sweep around the city. You and the boys should stay here. If we can't find her, then I'll report her to the station." He turned to Simon. "Meet you in the car?" 

"Sure," Simon agreed and glanced at Lucy. 

Lucy was nodding rapidly, her eyes still wide in shock. 

The boys had scampered off somewhere, leaving Simon and Lucy alone in the room. Once last time before moving, Simon glanced out the window. Kevin was getting in the Explorer and Simon knew he should hurry. 

As he brushed past Lucy, he heard her whisper, "I can't do this." 

Simon stopped and without looking at her, asked, "What?" 

Lucy gave an incredulous scoff as she turned to face him. "This. I can't do this. I can't take care of Ruthie, when I can't even take care of myself." 

Tears spilled down Lucy's tears. She had been trying to be strong - for Ruthie - but she just couldn't keep her true emotions in the closet anymore. 

Simon embraced her, whispering in her ear that he loved her and that they would talk later - after they found Ruthie.   


* * *

__

_I thought I could do this_   
_This thing that was you._   
_Yet, you're the only one,_   
_That's proven to be true_   


Hours had passed and Kevin and Simon still weren't home. Lucy was in the backyard, busying herself with pruning the red, yellow, and pink roses. She had allowed herself to break down for a second, but pulled herself together, afraid that the boys would sneak up on her and get scared. So far, they had taken what had happened the best out of any of them. Of course, they were young still, and probably thought that when their parents had "rested" enough, they would come back.   


Lucy set the pruners back in the shed. She was slipping the gardening gloves off when Sam and David came through the sliding glass doors.   


"What are we doing?" Sam asked, his eyes big and innocent. 

Lucy smiled and felt the sharp sting of tears. She had remembered when Ruthie was their age and when she used to say that. That was always her cute saying. Lucy was sometimes grateful for those precious memories because back then, everything back been great. Now, the days were long and miserable. 

"Nothing. I was just pruning the rose bushes. Do you want to help me plant some flower seeds?" Lucy asked, leaning down to them, her hands resting on her knees. 

"Okay!" they replied in unison. 

Lucy chuckled to herself and took one of each of their hands. She led them over to a small patch next to the plastic doe that lay on it's side. She released the boys' hands and set them loose. "Start diggin'." She, instead of digging, pondered the doe before picking it back up again. This had to be the work of Ruthie. 

While Lucy and the boys were out in the back, the phone had rang and the machine had come one. 

"Luce, it's Mary. Is Matt there? Sarah told me that he was coming. Have him call me. Love you. Bye."   


* * *

  
__

_The mistakes that we made_   
_Seem innocent now_   
_I hate to hurt you_   
_This is my grave vow_   


Back in the apartment in New York, Sarah raked a hand through her brown and curly hair. She was huddled over an open school book with scribbled out notes off to the right. The pen, with a chewed-on cap, was gripped loosely in her writing hand and lightly touched her pink, full lips. 

Although she looked like she was studying, all those words that she read meant nothing to her. They were merely words printed in a book that her eyes scanned, understood, and moved on to the next. No sense was made out of the endless sentences or paragraphs. Sarah could only think of her husband, who she had stupidly sent out to Glenoak alone to be there for his family - her in-laws. Her words, those harsh words, replayed through her mind. 

You don't have my support, even though I'm your wife. 

She hadn't said that in so many words, but that was the general message that was sent. Sarah was afraid that Matt had absolutely no trouble comprehending that. If he hadn't sprung the news on her so quickly, maybe she would have had more time to think things through and choose words more carefully. Sarah was a straightforward woman when she wanted to be. Sometimes she would be so straightforward with things, it got to the point where her words hurt. Like rusty nails driving into the sole of your foot. 

Sarah sighed and gave up attempting to study. Nothing was getting accomplished except wasting away valuable time. 

The woman chucked her pencil and grabbed the cordless phone out of it's cradle. Quickly, she dialed a number, letting it ring once before hanging up. Feeling like an idiot, she redialed Lucy's number, forcing herself to not hang up once more. When the ringing stopped, her heart skipped a beat. Thinking someone had picked up, she readied herself to speak. 

No one had picked up, except the answering machine. 

Like with Mary's call only moments before her own, Lucy had not heard the phone way in the backyard where she was straightening her plastic decorations. 

No message was left. Only the dial tone on the machine after Sarah had hung up. 

She sighed. Deciding that she couldn't live feeling like this, Sarah called her childhood home, hoping that one, or both, parents could help her. 

"Dad? I've done something stupid."   


* * *

  



	5. Unfamiliar

**A/N:**I hate to start this off with an apology, but I need to. I am so sorry it has taken me this long to update, but I suddenly got some type of inspiration to try and rekindle this story.

Also, I _do_ happen to own the stanzas of poetry that are featured throughout this story (unless I decide to use something out of a song, but I will then state who it is by, etc.).

_**Obscuring Tears**_

Chapter Five:

_Unfamiliar_

* * *

__

_She has fallen apart_

_She has been broken_

_Not what she used to be_

_No longer soft-spoken._

"My parents are up there," Ruthie said, sounding distant and disconnected as she stared up at the bright stars in the sky.

He looked at her, reading into her pain. Ruthie Camden never seemed like the weak type. She was always levelheaded and smart and strong. She always knew what to do and what was best. That was why he liked her so much. Now, it seemed, that she didn't know what she was doing, or where she was going. She was completely lost, just waiting for someone to come along and lead her somewhere better.

He laid his hand over hers and she turned her head to look at him, but she didn't jerk away. She actually kind of smiled, and his heart felt warm, for that was the first time she had even come close to feeling happy in a very long time. It was nice. He was glad he brought her up here.

The two of them sat up on a dirt hill just on the outskirts of town where the stars shone as if they were guiding lights. And in a way, they were. Whenever he needed to clear his mind, or find it, he took the semi-long drive to this very hill where it was peaceful. He felt safe here, and knew that Ruthie would feel the same way.

"I'm glad you brought me up here, Bert. You were right. I _am_ distracted." She felt more than just distracted. She felt as if she were in some sort of dream state and that none of this was real, it was so beautiful.

"Well, I'm glad you came." He squeezed her hand, and it was just like they were dating again...as if this was their date.

"I haven't even _heard_ from Peter," she spat angrily.

Bert felt his heart falter as he remembered Peter. Slowly, he slid his hand off of Ruthie's to where they weren't touching any longer.

"Peter. Isn't he your boyfriend?" he asked, trying to sound as if he didn't care.

Ruthie studied his face and she recognized the look in his eyes. "No," she laughed. "He's just a friend."

Bert felt the warmth of Ruthie's hand once again, and from then on, they sat in comfortable silence as their minds filled with millions of thoughts - Ruthie's of her parents in Heaven, and Bert's with love.

* * *

_You aren't listening_

_You don't even care_

_I might as well leave_

_You're so unaware._

"Any luck?" Lucy asked frantically as Simon came through the door, followed closely by Kevin. They both look grave and tired.

Shaking his head, Simon replied, "None such."

Kevin looked around. "Where are the boys?" he asked.

Lucy gazed down the hall. "I put them to bed after they ate about an hour ago."

"Is there anything left? To eat, I mean," Kevin asked. He hadn't eaten anything since that morning, and he was starving.

Lucy sighed. "No. I just gave them sandwiches." Lucy was slightly annoyed by her husband's careless attitude. How could he even think about food at a time like this? Well, he is a man, Lucy thought, answering her own question. All they ever think about is food and sex.

"What are we going to do now?" Simon asked.

"I guess I can make soup or something..." Kevin suggested, clearly missing the subject.

"I meant about Ruthie. What if she's hurt?"

"I'm sure she's not hurt. We'll call the police department and have them do a more thorough search for her," Kevin explained, walking over to the phone. Before he could even begin to dial, the front door opened and Ruthie stepped over the threshold. "Or maybe she'll just come home on her own," Kevin unnecessarily added. He was hoping for a laugh or even a small chuckle, but obviously now was not the time for jokes.

"Where have you been?" Lucy demanded, suddenly finding herself angrier than she had even been before.

Ruthie cocked her head to the side for a moment, blinked, then, acting as if she was completely dumbfounded, said, "You didn't get my note? Gee, you must be slipping. Mom would never have missed _that_."

"Ruthie, shut up," Simon said, disgusted with how much his litter sister had changed in mere months.

Ruthie turned to her brother and sneered. "Oh, look at you. Are you planning to stay this time, or are you just going to run away again?"

Simon shook his head, still not believing that this snotty teenager was his sister. "God, you've changed so much, I don't even know you anymore."

"Change..." she pondered. "It's funny how people do that. You know, maybe if you hadn't of run off to school the _second_ that mom and dad died, you might know me a little better."

"Oh, my God. What would possess you to say something like that, Ruthie?" Lucy asked, slowly losing her patience each time Ruthie spoke.

"Don't act like you're all high and mighty. Hey, why don't you try and brainwash the boys and get them to think you're mom? You may still have a fighting chance."

Lucy slapped her sister across the face, echoing like a cracking whip in a silent room.

"Oh, _that_ was mature," Ruthie said, trying to act as if that didn't hurt, but was not entirely successful with keeping the pain out of her voice.

"You deserved it," Lucy replied through clenched teeth.

Ruthie gave Lucy a final death glare before pushing past her (making a point to run into her with her shoulder). Seconds later, the door to Ruthie's bedroom slammed sending the sound reverberating throughout the house.

* * *

_Why must I feel like this?_

_Why do I feel so lost?_

_My control is no more_

_I feel I'm being tossed._

Tears streamed down Ruthie's face as she leaned up against her door and slid noiselessly to the ground. She glanced to her left and her eyes fell on her box with the gold clasp. The box that she had come across just days before while she was preparing to move out of her past and into her miserable future with Lucy and Kevin. She reached for it and flipped the clasp up, lifting the lid. The ballerina danced as the whimsical music played. Ruthie's fingers ran along the edge, tracing the velvet lining. In one spot, there was a hole large enough to hide something in, but small enough to not be seen.

Ruthie pulled out a rectangular blade that shone dully in the light. As she looked up, she caught a glimpse of her tearstained face in the tiny mirror behind the miniature dancer. Her cheek was still red from where Lucy's hand had met it. Rolling her eyes, she slammed the box closed, the blade still in her hand.

Carefully, she rolled up her sleeve, exposing her wrist, and along with it, several slits and scars. Not thinking on it for a moment's time, Ruthie put the cold metal to her skin and drug, producing a small amount of blood. She sighed, suddenly feeling her anger melt slowly away, and a new sort of calm taking its place.

Ruthie let her head fall back, letting it be supported by the door behind her. During those next few minutes, thoughts of Lucy ran through her mind. She found herself fearing what Lucy would do if she ever found out about her newfound addiction. An inhuman sort of laugh generated from her mouth.

"Damn Lucy. Damn her to hell."

* * *

_I know I was wrong,_

_But what does it matter?_

_My parents are gone _

_My heart they did shatter._

Matt closed the door to the taxi he had ordered from the airport and paid the man his money before turning to Lucy's home. He hoped that he had not made a mistake coming here because leaving Sarah back in New York without her support was hard enough. Then the plane ride where he tortured himself the whole way about it was even harder. This had to be the right thing.

Before his finger even left the doorbell, Lucy was revealed. She kind of looked at him, her eyebrow raised.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, Kevin and Simon coming into view behind her.

"I- Well, I thought-"Matt stammered, not finding any words that fit.

Lucy threw herself at her brother, cramming her face into his chest. "Oh, I don't care why you're here," she said. "It doesn't matter. I'm just glad we have more help." She pulled away.

"More help?" Matt inquired, stepping inside.

As he closed the door, Kevin and Simon looked at each other and Lucy looked away.

"What?"


	6. Special

_**Obscuring Tears**_

_Chapter Six:_

_Special_

* * *

_I feel I'm losing myself_

_When I used to be so sure_

_What have you done to me_

_To make me this insecure_

Lucy lay in her bed that night, struggling to figure out where she stood in reference to what was going on with Ruthie. Not only that, but Lucy suddenly found herself questioning what she believed. Who was she, really? Never once in her adult life had she felt this insecure. It was like she was standing on a beach with the waves rushing up to her ankles, the sand beneath her caving each time the water went back out. She was sinking quickly. For the first time, she realized that there was nothing she could do. When it came down to it, she was ultimately helpless.

Kevin stirred beside her, exhaling peacefully.

The woman smiled. She may be nothing but a bystander, but she was not alone. Kevin was with her for life. He was there to encourage her, to give her a push when she was acting stubborn. She loved Kevin, would do anything for him. Kevin had a way of making her see things that no one else could. He was that bright light at the end of her tunnel, the fire in her heart.

She sighed, sinking deeper into her bed, her muscles finally relaxing. Feeling suddenly very fatigued, Lucy closed her eyes and let herself slowly drift off to sleep. She wasn't alone. They had each other, and as long as they were together, anything was conquerable. No matter how impossible it seemed, they would get through this, even Ruthie.

* * *

_There are so many things _

_That I want to say to you _

_But I fear that you'd be angry_

_And take the wrong view_

Everything was so silent, so dark, in the Kinkirk house - even the living room that was still occupied by Simon and his older brother Matt. Neither man had an answer as to why they were sitting with no light. The power certainly had not gone off, and all the bulbs in the house were screwed in tight. There was no excuse; the lack of light just seemed fitting.

Simon was staring straight ahead at nothing in particular. His vision was blurred to a degree, they way it gets when your eyes are locked in such a position where you don't seem to blink for years. It was a mere irritation compared to what was going through his mind.

"She accused me of running away," Simon said tonelessly, breaking the uncomfortable silence that had hung around too long.

Matt could feel the hair on the back of his neck stand up as Simon spoke. There was no emotion in his voice, no trace of the boy Matt used to know. He looked at his brother's darkened figure, nothing more than a silhouette. He knew Simon was waiting for him to say something big brotherly, but nothing came.

Simon had grown up a lot during the course of the past few years; he had to. Sometimes the new Simon scared Matt, making him realize how little he really knew about his brother anymore. The time away in New York disconnected him and he felt completely lost and alone sometimes – even with Sarah sleeping soundly next to him in their bed at night. He thought that coming back to Glenoak, to the place where he had spent his childhood and knew like the back of his hand, would be a good idea. It was somewhere familiar with a place for him. But when he had arrived, he was greeted with the painful comprehension that everything was different – even the people had changed.

"You can't listen to her, Simon," Matt replied, taking on a doctoral air. "She doesn't know what she's talking about."

"Maybe she was right," Simon said, seeming as if he hadn't heard Matt's advice at all. "Maybe I _did_ run away so I didn't have to deal with anything."

Matt sighed. "We all dealt with what we could in our own ways. Maybe not in the _best_ possible ways, but we dealt with it. You didn't run away; you had a life to get back to," Matt explained. Then as an afterthought, he added softly, "School's important."

"But not more important than grieving for your parents," Simon retorted monosyllabically.

"Oh, Simon, snap out of it," Matt demanded, feeling his patience snap. "You cannot let what Ruthie said get to you. She's hurt and upset and lost. She doesn't know what she's saying."

Simon blinked and glanced in his brother's direction. "But she's _right._ Don't you get it? I _haven't_ called. I _haven't_ visited. I _haven't_ been there for her when she needed me the most. I was only thinking of myself, and I _did_ run away."

Matt exhaled. "Then we are both guilty of being bad brothers, so sue us. We can't be here every second of every day. Ruthie's been through a lot, yes, but we all have, and she needs to realize that." Matt stood and flicked on a nearby floor lamp. Simon flinched at the sudden flood of light and rubbed his eyes as they filled with water. When he removed his hands from his face, Matt was standing in front of him.

"Come on, I've had enough of this 'poor me' fest. I don't know about you, but I'm beat. It's been a long day," he said, offering a hand to Simon, who shook his head.

"I'm just going to take care of something before I turn in. You go ahead, I'll be there in a minute."

Matt shrugged. "Suit yourself," he mumbles before heading to the guest bedroom where he and Simon were sharing a bed.

Simon waited until he heard the door close softly then pushed himself off the couch. Turning lights on and off as he went so he wouldn't bump into, or step on, anything that would wake someone up, he reached his destination. He was facing a closed white door, straining his ears to hear inside. There was nothing.

Carefully, he turned the knob and poked his head into the room. The lights were off, but he could make out a sleeping figure in the bed.

Simon went to stand by his sister's bedside and watched her breath for a brief moment. As he went to pull the covers up to her chest, she stirred but didn't wake. Her arm moved rest by her head, and that's when Simon noticed several small cuts on the inside of her wrist. His brow furrowed and he ran his fingers along them. He suddenly felt even guiltier than he had that evening as he kissed her head. Before exiting the room to go catch some sleep for himself, he whispered in her ear, "I love you, Ruthie. I'm sorry."

* * *

_If you could see me now_

_You would be displeased_

_But I don't even care_

It's like I am diseased 

Ruthie was going through one of the boxes that she had not yet unpacked when she discovered something she had thought was lost forever. She removed a large, brightly colored album with her name spelled across the top. For a moment she studied the cover, then flipped it open to the first page. This was the book that her mother had given to her when she was fretting over the lack of attention she received when the twins were just born. How old had she been, seven? She had been so thrilled when she learned her mother was giving it to her, but now it only brought back painful memories.

"_Are you going to give me this book when I grow up?" she had asked._

"_No, honey," Annie replied. "I'm giving it to you now. I want you to know how special you are to me."_

_The twins had started to cry then, and her mother left, leaving her to put herself to bed. It wasn't as if Ruthie didn't want her to leave, she had told her it was okay. After all, she _was_ a big sister. _

Ruthie would have given anything to have that moment back. She wanted to throw her arms around Annie and beg her not to leave, wanted to tell her she loved her and never wanted anything to happen to her.

She slammed the book closed and set off down the hall with it. Ruthie was walking at such a pace that she was almost running through the house. In the kitchen, she yanked open the drawer where Lucy and Kevin kept their miscellaneous items and rummaged around for stick matches, finding them instantly.

Lucy had come walking down the hall when she saw Ruthie kneeling in front of the fireplace. She couldn't see what she was doing, but a second later there was smoke. The woman ran over to her sister and fell to her knees.

"What do you think you're doing?!" she yelled, reaching into the hearth and grabbing the book, shaking it violently to put out the flame. Surprisingly, Ruthie didn't stop her. Holding the book in her hands, she considered the cover. "What _is_ this?" she asked, glancing at her sister.

Ruthie's face was glistening with tears in the light from the few flames that still remained. "It doesn't matter," she faltered. "It's not important."

"Yes it is," Lucy said, discovering what her sister was trying to destroy. "This is your baby book. The one Mom gave you."

Ruthie looked away. "I don't want it," she whispered.

Lucy laughed as she remembered. "You loved this thing. You'd go around the house showing it to all of us. Ruthie, you were proud of this, why don't you want it anymore?"

Ruthie glared. "I just _don't_, okay?" she replied firmly. "Just get rid of it." The two got to their feet just as the flames petered out.

"No, I'm not going to get rid of it, Ruthie. _Mom_ gave it to you. It's special."

Triggered by Lucy's words, her mother's voice resonated in her mind:

"_I want you to know how special you are to me."_

Ruthie could feel her level of anger elevate. "I can't keep it. That would be wrong."

Lucy's eyebrows came together as she tried to read into what Ruthie was thinking. "What does that mean?"

"You don't know what happened. You don't know what I said to her before I left for school that morning," Ruthie explained, her hands balling into fists. She could feel her fingernails digging into her palm. "She hated me."

"What did you say to her, Ruthie?" Lucy asked, her voice calm and, she hoped, friendly.

Ruthie laughed sourly. "Oh, no. You aren't going to go all 'therapist' on me. I think I liked you better when you were acting like Mom."

Lucy felt confused. "Ruthie, I-"

The telephone rang. Lucy glanced between her sister and the phone on the kitchen counter. Sighing, she went to answer the phone.

"Hello?" Lucy answered, irritability sounding in her voice.

"Luce, finally! I've been calling for days," Mary cried, happy that she was able to get through.

"Really?" Lucy asked dully.

"I'm actually looking for Matt. Is he there?" Mary asked.

"No. He and Simon took the twins to the park. They needed to get out of the house for a while."

"What's going on?" Mary noticed the tiredness in her sister's voice. She suddenly found herself concerned. "Is everything all right?"

Lucy looked over her shoulder and wasn't surprised to see that Ruthie had vacated the living room. "No, actually, it's not. Ruthie's having a hard time with Mom and Dad's deaths still and nothing's helping her. We're doing all we can, but nothing's getting through. She just tried to burn the baby book Mom gave to her."

"She loved that book," Mary commented.

Lucy knew her sister was smiling, could see it even though she was thousands of miles away. "I know. Then she said that Mom hated her, but she wouldn't tell me why."

"Oh," Mary said softly after a pause. "I know what's going on. I know what happened."


	7. Perspectives

**Obscuring Tears**

_Chapter Seven:_

_Perspectives_

_

* * *

_

_It hurt to not be trusted, _

_Especially by you _

_So believe what you want_

_My words were nothing but true._

_Ruthie Camden sat on her bed and pouted. She was so angry with her mother she couldn't even look at her. It was a startling revelation to learn that Annie didn't trust her, especially when it was her own body that was involved. She was old enough to make her own decisions, even decisions about sex, which was having none of._

_Annie knocked on her daughter's door and went in without permission. She wasn't coming in to grovel for her daughter's forgiveness, or even to apologize. All she wanted was to talk about the incident, since things between her daughter and Peter had begun to heat up._

_"I want to talk about what happened," Annie stated bluntly. There was no use of beating around the bush here. Ruthie knew that what she was doing was inappropriate. Now all there was to do was get her to admit it._

_Ruthie rolled her eyes and looked away, clearly not wanting to talk about anything._

_Annie sighed, frustration already rearing its head. "I know you don't want to talk about this, but we have to. What you were doing with Peter tonight was completely unsuitable."_

_Ruthie scoffed and glared at her mother. "What were we doing, Mom? Huh? We were only kissing. If it had gone farther than that, wouldn't you have trusted me to stop it?!"_

_"It's not that I don't trust you," Annie argued. "But when people get caught up in the moment, things have a greater possibility of going too far. You may not have noticed, but things were well on their way!"_

_"No, no. You don't trust me. You don't think I'm capable of making responsible decisions. I can't believe this." Ruthie pushed herself off the bed and whisked past her mother, locking herself in the attic bathroom._

_"Ruthie," Annie called, knocking on the door. "You can't just run away from this. We need to talk."_

_The door swung open, revealing a red-eyed Ruthie. "Fine," she spat. "We'll talk. Now that we've gotten you're take on things, I'll give you a little piece of my mind."_

_An expression of warning appeared on Annie's face, but Ruthie ignored it. She knew she was crossing the line, but she couldn't hold back._

_"I think you should just leave me alone. If I wanted to have sex with Peter, I could. I don't have to be under your supervision – or even in this house – to do it. I thought that you trusted me, and that was the only thing holding me back. I didn't want to disappoint you or Dad. Now that I know the truth, I couldn't care less."_

_Annie looked disgusted, looked as if she wanted to disown this young woman in front of her._

_"You know better than to talk to me in that matter, Ruthie Camden. I am your mother, and you are to respect and obey me, no matter how trustworthy you may or may not be!" Annie yelled. "You are not to see Peter Petrowski until your father and I say otherwise."_

_Ruthie sneered. "Of course I'm not. It's always the same thing! God, I hate you."_

_Annie had only heard her daughter say that she hated her once before, and back then, the little girl didn't even know what she was doing. Now that Ruthie was older, she had a wider range of vocabulary, and Annie was sure her daughter knew what she was saying. That's part of the reason it hurt her so much._

_"Get out," Ruthie said, her voice low and angry._

_Annie obliged, just stepping out of the room before the door slammed behind her. She spotted Mary at the foot of the stairs, and instantly she knew her eldest daughter had been listening._

_"How much did you hear?" she asked, descending the steps._

_Mary smiled sympathetically. "More than enough," she replied. "Don't worry about it, Mom. I'm sure she didn't mean it."_

_"Sure she didn't," Annie whispered, heading to her own room._

_Mary sighed, and walked away, leaving well enough alone._

"Ruthie, Mary's on the phone. She wants to talk to you," Lucy said, bringing the cordless phone to her sister in her room.

Ruthie gave Lucy a suspicious look, trying to decipher if she had put Mary up to something. Coming up empty-handed, she took the phone.

"Hello?"

* * *

_I'm torn between choices_

_Am I silent, or do I squeal_

_Truth is, I'm frightened_

_By what I should reveal._

Simon and Matt sat on the grass in the middle of the park while the twins played on the bright yellow jungle gym. Simon ran his fingers along the soles of his shoes, needing something to do with his hands. Matt knew there was something going on, but he decided to wait until his brother brought it up, and knowing Simon, that could take a while.

Absentmindedly, Simon picked at the grass, tearing then tossing it aside. He was disturbed by all those slits on his sister's wrists, some of them not so thin and graceful. Truthfully, he was worried about how far she would go, or had gone. Was she doing drugs? Was she thinking of suicide? Simon knew what he had to do, and it wouldn't be easy. He either had to try to talk to Ruthie himself, or jump to the chase and tell Matt. If he told Matt, it would ultimately be easier with the not having to talk to Ruthie. He had taken the easy way out before when his parents passed, and that had proven to be a mistake.

Ruthie was his sister, and he had to do something, make a plan and get prepared. This wasn't going to be easy, for she had shot him down before. Her tongue may have been fast and harsh, but he would come out victorious this time. He had the knowledge that would cut through her sarcasm as if it was butter. There was no more room for messing around. Recess was officially over.

* * *

_Things I took for granted_

_I wish I had them back_

_The comfort that we had_

_We now severely lack._

Lucy picked up the baby book of Ruthie's once more, and sat down on the couch with it, a cup of much-needed coffee by her side. She had remembered the night when her mother gave this to Ruthie. The twins had just gotten home from the hospital and everyone was miserable. She and Mary had tried every way possible to get out of the house, to no avail on her own part. Mary, however, had gotten out, but was grounded the second she got back home with Lucy to keep her company.

It seemed like yesterday when every Camden offspring was still just a child or a struggling adolescent. She never thought she would miss those days of waiting hours for the bathroom, or having a sibling barge in on you when you wanted your privacy. Now she realized those days were precious; you can never get them back.

The front entrance to her home opened and her brothers stepped over the threshold, Simon bringing up the rear. Straightaway, Matt took Sam and David to the bathroom to clean up, leaving Simon to converse freely with Lucy. Her brother allowed himself to fall into the spot next to her, as she smiled.

"Look," she said, smiling as she pointed to a photo of Simon rocking a baby Ruthie on the porch.

"That was such a long time ago," he replied distantly. "Things were so simple then."

Lucy studied her brother's face, sensing something was not quite right. She closed the book, setting it gently aside, and patted Simon's knee in a way of comfort.

"What's the matter?" she asked, truly curious. If she couldn't fix anything with her sister at the moment, she was sure she could help Simon.

Simon plastered a smile on his face. "Nothing's the matter. I'm fine," he lied.

"Simon," Lucy said firmly. "You're forgetting that you come from a long line of people that cannot lie. I can see right through you. Just face it: lying isn't going to help you right now." As an afterthought she added passionately, "We suck."

The college boy chuckled. Glancing down at his lap, he felt his laughter disappear as quickly as it had come. Ruthie's wrist had once again crossed his mind, and it was impossible to be happy when someone you hold close to your heart is in overwhelming pain. Simon sighed, trying to find the right words to say as he realized that he couldn't confront Ruthie alone. He would be even stronger with someone else on his side. Lucy wasn't a Matt, she wasn't going to medical school, but she was his sister and a good listener. His mother had pointed that out before, he recalled. A Lucy was just as good as a Matt.

"I'm worried about Ruthie," he admitted. "She's scaring me."

Lucy's frown deepened. "I know," she agreed. "It's like she's not even our sister anymore. She's isolated herself to the point where she's lost whatever sense she had of who she was before any of this happened."

"She sure isn't afraid to speak her mind," Simon sourly remembered.

"She never was," Lucy mumbled softly.

He shrugged. "Just the same, she's right about a lot of things. It might be painful to hear sometimes, but she's right. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't run away."

Lucy cleared her throat. "Simon, I thing Ruthie only said those things because she was trying to divert attention from herself. It shouldn't be the issue if they were true or false. You did the best you could for who you were. She's having a hard time right now, and the only thing any of us can do, is tell her that we love her and will always be here."

Simon agreed, "Of course, but that wasn't what I was getting at. Something needs to be done before she hits rock bottom because she is getting dangerously close. She's cutting herself already, and we need to stop her before she goes another step further."

"Wait," Lucy said, confused. "Ruthie's cutting herself?"

Slowly, Simon nodded. "I don't know how long she's been doing it. I only found out just last night when I saw her arm for myself."

"Is that why you were so weird at the park today?" Matt asked, coming into the room just in time to catch what was being said.

"Something has to be done," Lucy stated. "She cannot keep that up. It'll consume her, if it hasn't already."

A door opened down the hall and a moment later, Ruthie appeared, glancing from face to face. She suddenly slowed her pace, soon coming to a complete stop. No one in the room seemed to move, or even breath. Everything was entirely still, the only sound coming from a passing car outside.

Becoming increasingly uncomfortable with each wasted second, Ruthie asked, "Wow, I just walked in on a conversation about me, didn't I?"


	8. Consideration

_**Obscuring Tears**_

_Chapter Eight:_

_Consideration _

_

* * *

_

_You think you are alone_

_But you never really are_

_To those ugly thoughts_

_It's time to say au revoir_

"Where are the boys?" Lucy asked casually, making room for Ruthie to sit between her and Simon.

"Probably in their room, I don't know. I'm not the one you should be asking," she retorted, glancing from Matt to Simon and back to her sister.

Lucy let the sarcasm go, for they had bigger fish to fry. It was time to straighten things out and for them all to be on the same page as they were several months ago. She patted the spot next to her on the sofa. "Come sit with us, Ruthie."

Ruthie continued to walk again, trying to brush off the odd coincidence that she had walked into a conversation about herself. "I only came out here for a drink. I'm going back to my room."

"I wasn't asking. Sit down," Lucy ordered, taking on an air of authority that should not be messed with.

Ruthie rolled her eyes and took the empty place. "Okay, I'm sitting. _Now_ what would you like me to do?"

"Knock off with the sarcasm, Ruthie. We've already been cut off once, you aren't going to do it again," Matt said, assembling himself on the wooden coffee table across from his three siblings. "We want to help you."

"Oh, everyone is so _considerate_. Mom and Dad should have died years ago!" Ruthie yelled.

"Ruthie, come on!"

"No, Matt, _you_ come on," Ruthie shrieked. "Seriously, where were you for the past few years? Where were any of you? You were all too busy to even _think_ about your family. All you were worried about was school and your love lives. You could have helped me anytime, but did you?" She paused and looked into each of their guilty faces. "No."

"That isn't true," Lucy argued, her voice low. "_I _was here. _I_ could have helped you if you needed me. But you _never_ came to me. Not once."

"So this is all _my_ fault. I chose not to get over Mom and Dad. Is that what you're saying?" Ruthie challenged.

"Not 'get over' them, but to accept what has happened and move on. None of us will ever forget, or stop loving, our parents." Lucy halted her words, afraid of what would happen if she said what she was going to say next. "Maybe it was easier for the rest of us to move on because we didn't tell Mom that we hated her."

"What?" Matt and Simon asked in unison, but neither sister paid them any attention.

"That _isn't_ your problem," Ruthie spat, her eyes locked on Lucy.

"No, it's yours. You knew what you were doing and you took Mom's feelings for granted. Now you feel guilty because she's dead and you can never take back what you said. All you can do now is beg for God's forgiveness and let it go," Lucy explained.

"I don't feel guilty," Ruthie lobbied. "Who are you to say what I feel?"

"Drop the act, Ruthie. It wasn't twenty-four hours ago when you were on your knees in front of the fireplace crying because you couldn't bear to live with that album Mom gave you. That was guilt, and don't you even try to lie to me." Lucy was feeling angrier by the second. If they didn't get anywhere soon, she was definitely going lose her patience.

Matt reached out and placed his hands comfortingly on Ruthie's knees. Her attention suddenly snapped to him, but she didn't jerk away. "Ruthie, I've seen what guilt can do to people, and I've experienced it first-hand. Don't let it run your life any longer."

She laughed. "Guilt isn't running my life."

Simon grabbed Ruthie's arm, catching her off-guard, and pulled up her sleeve to reveal all her cuts and scabs. "Then why are you doing this? Is it a new thing that all the cool kids are trying out?"

"Let go of me!" Ruthie screamed, yanking her arm out of Simon's grasp.

"Is that all you are doing?" Matt asked. "Are you doing drugs of any kind? Have you thought of suicide? Don't think for a second that cutting yourself is okay."

"It's not like I can't control it," Ruthie said. "Guilt may be running my life, but I still have some say."

Matt scoffed. "No, you really don't. You can't control it. Every time something bad, or maybe nothing at all, happens to you, you're going to have these impulses that tell you that the blade is the only way to deal. You are _not_ in control."

Ruthie was silent as Matt's words echoed through her mind. She wasn't in control, and as much as she hated to admit it, he was right. Exactly right.

Lucy put a hand on Ruthie's shoulder. "Ruthie, you aren't alone. We all are going through the same thing you are. We can help each other get through this."

Suddenly Ruthie felt greatly fatigued, as if all she had cried for was weighing her down and instantly feeling like a burden. Nothing seemed important anymore, not even putting up this sour routine of feeling sorry for herself. Her parents, whom she loved with all of her heart, were gone and it didn't matter if she was hauled out of her despair; they were never coming back. She still couldn't see how her siblings could just move on with their lives. Tears formed behind her eyes, and soon she felt herself being pulled into Lucy's arms to be comforted.

"I don't think I can do that," Ruthie mumbled, allowing herself to be held. "I don't think I can move on."

There didn't seem to be any words that could assure her that she would. Lucy didn't think Ruthie would believe anything anyone said anyway because she was so far gone. The woman had heard these words before, the exact same ones, for she had said them before. There weren't any comforting words, but there was a story. There was Sarah.

"Ruthie, do you remember my very best friend, Sarah?" Lucy asked. When she felt Ruthie nod, she continued. "I loved her so much, I didn't think I would be able to go on either. I mean, we did everything together, and I couldn't imagine a life without her. Nothing was the same after she died, especially school. For a while, everything seemed as if it was accelerating with this tremendous speed, and I was slowing down, getting left behind.

"I didn't care, though. This girl that I had shared everything with, was gone, and I was alone. There was no one there to talk about boys with, no one there to pass notes in class to, no one to do homework with. Wilson West took me to a group therapy session, and that didn't really help at first, but soon I was open to talking about my feelings about Sarah, and I was able to catch up with my own life again. We will all get through this, Ruthie; I promise."

_

* * *

_

_I'm scared of my future_

_I'm scared of my past_

_Where will I end up?_

_And how long will I last?_

Matt walked into the spare bedroom that he had Simon were sharing, and found his brother sitting on the bed, looking deep in thought. Simon didn't even blink until Matt swung his suitcase onto the mattress.

"What are you doing?" Simon asked as he watched his brother begin to pack his stuff.

Matt glanced at him. "What does it look like I'm doing?" he asked, tossing in a pair of jeans. "I'm getting ready to go back to New York."

"I thought you were going to stay for a while..."

Matt sighed. "Yeah, well, I don't think I'll be needed here for much longer. If I can get back to school sooner then I expected, I won't be so far behind."

"I just thought you would at least stay until things around here settled down," Simon said, not only sounding distant, but looking it as well.

"It's not going to matter if I stay a year, Simon. I'm not the person who controls how things go with Ruthie. Only she can do that. Besides, I'm sure Lucy and Kevin can handle it." Matt tossed in a final few items and zipped the suitcase shut. He set it on the ground next to the door and sat down on the bed by Simon. "What's going on with you?" he asked, hoping to lighten the mood.

"We missed Thanksgiving," Simon replied absently.

_

* * *

_

_Things will get much better _

_At least I hope they will_

_We all need something to_

_Give us quite a thrill_

Kevin came home to a house smelling of chicken and mashed potatoes. He shut the door and stepped father into the foyer, removing his smoking jacket as he went. Smiling, Kevin came up behind his wife who was stirring corn in a silver pot on the stove. He put his arms around her waist and kissed the crown of her head. Lucy laughed.

"How was work today?" she asked, pulling open the over door to check on the chicken.

"The usual," he responded. "Lots of paperwork. What are you making?" He sat in one of the kitchen chairs and started on removing his shoes.

"Well, we missed Thanksgiving, so I'm doing the best I can to make a similar dinner," Lucy said. "Mary was trying to reach us about it all week, and when she finally got through, there was no mention of it. But I just called her, and I guess they can't come anyway. Carlos's parents surprised them and so they're all up in New York."

Kevin laughed. "That's something that doesn't happen often."

"No kidding." Lucy pulled the chicken out of the oven and put it a potholder so the hot pan wouldn't ruin the countertop. Giving the corn a final stir, she flicked the burners off. "Set the table for me, will ya, honey?" she asked as she began placing different side dishes on the table. Kevin obliged and soon the faux Thanksgiving dinner was served.


	9. Identity

**_Obscuring Tears_**

_Chapter Nine_:

_Identity _

* * *

_I have lost my identity_

_Along with my mind_

_I must get them back…_

_I won't be redefined_

Ruthie tossed a final sharp-edged blade into the small leather pouch that Lucy held open in front of her. "That's the last of them," Ruthie said and sighed.

"Thank you," Lucy replied, pulling the ties on the bag closed. She smiled as she gave her little sister a hug. "You're going to be okay."

"I know," Ruthie said, plastering on a smile. Shutting the door behind Lucy, she allowed her grin to fall. Truthfully, she didn't think she would be okay, but if lying kept everyone off her back, she was going to continue doing it.

Ruthie crawled onto her bed and pulled her knees up to her chest. Her eyes ran over her injured arm, scrutinizing every cut and scab there was. Cutting had been her only release from everything she was dealing with. It took her away from herself, and in those moments, she was happiest, even if it _was_ wrong.

What was she going to do now that they all knew about the incident that had occurred between herself and her mother? It was just another thing to deal with and to be embarrassed about. Ruthie swore that they would continue to dig up her past to try to justify how she had acted toward them. It wasn't enough to accept her as she was; they wanted that little sweet and kind girl that was their sister. That little girl would never of said any of those hurtful things, no matter how true they may have been. That little girl would never have been as stupid as to turn to self-injury.

Sometimes, Ruthie cursed herself for conforming to her parents' rules. She wasn't normal because of it. The kids at school teased her, didn't want to be around her. She never really had many friends, and the ones she _did_ have didn't stick around for long. Her father's job had been the focus throughout her life. It had given her the reputation she now carried with her everywhere she went. Nobody would ever forget that she was the daughter of a minister. Now that her father was gone, what was to happen? She wasn't the adorable child _or_ the minister's daughter. What was left?

_

* * *

_

_You have surprised me _

_I did not expect this _

_Especially from you_

_During this family crisis._

Lucy knocked on the spare bedroom door. She waited for permission and then went in. Matt's bulging suitcase caught her eye as she closed the door behind her. Her older brother was sitting coolly on the bed flipping through a magazine. He gave her nothing more than a glance when she first came in, pretending to be extremely interested in an article.

"What's that?" she asked, eyeing the luggage.

"My suitcase," Matt answered shortly, only looking up long enough to see what she was talking about.

"Yes, I see that." Lucy set the small bag on the nearby dresser. "You aren't leaving, are you?" she asked, trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Sighing, Matt tossed the magazine aside. "Yeah, I'm leaving. Tomorrow night, actually."

Lucy felt all expression drain off her face. "I hope you're being sarcastic," she said.

Matt shook his head. "I have to get back to school, back to my job."

Lucy marched over to her brother. "What were you thinking?" she growled angrily. "You can't leave."

"Lucy, I have to. I have to get back to school if I ever want to catch up – or graduate. I have to get back to Sarah. I have to get back to my life."

"No, Matt, you don't _have _to," she spat. "Is all that really more important than your sister? Is it really more important than knowing your sister is even _okay_?"

"Ruthie is going to be all right now that she's getting back on the right track. I know she is," Matt explained.

Lucy scoffed. "Listen to yourself. She's getting back on the right track, yes. But that does not mean she is there yet. Right now, she is hanging on by a thread. If you walk out on her, I have a feeling that thread will become non-existent."

"I'm not walking out on her," Matt argued. "I was planning on talking to her about it so she would understand."

Lucy exhaled, finding herself unable to believe that this was indeed her brother sitting before her. She had always looked up to Matt, went to him for advice, even when they were still growing up. He was wise and logical, but now he was merely crazy.

"Unbelievable." Lucy spun on her heels and left the room, swiping the bag of blades as she went.

_

* * *

_

_There's no doubt_

_That I love you_

_I would do anything_

_To remain true_

Sarah arrived home from a long day's work and allowed herself to flop onto the couch. Her performance had been slipping a bit since Matt left. The talk she had with her father hardly cleared anything up. She tried calling him at Lucy's house, but she supposed her message never got picked up. It surprised her that he hadn't even tried to call her though. Didn't he feel just as badly as she did?

The telephone rang, and Sarah considered not answering it. Whoever it was would leave a message if it was important enough. Then again, she would just have to call that person back, so she forced herself to get up.

"Hello," she said into the receiver.

"Sarah," a familiar male voice answered, "it's Matt."

Sarah could feel her heart flutter and her stomach turn over. This was what she had been waiting for. The eventual phone call had finally occurred. She had so many things she wanted to say to him, but couldn't find her voice.

"I called to tell you that I'm coming home tomorrow."

She cleared her throat. "Why?" she asked, trying to sound interested and calm when, in fact, she was absolutely bursting with happiness.

"Well, because things around her are straightening out, and I think it's time that I head back to school," he explained.

She sighed. "Matt, I'm glad you are coming home, but I think I owe you an apology. I'm sorry I wasn't more understanding about your family situation. I'm sorry about the way you left. It was stupid and selfish."

Matt laughed. "It's okay. I forgive you. We can talk more when I get home."

"Okay," she agreed. "I love you, Matt."

"Love you, too."

_

* * *

_

_A promise was made _

_A promise was broken_

_All by one person_

_I guess had misspoken_

"You're leaving me?" A small voice from the doorway sounded just as Matt hung up the phone. His warm feeling that he had gotten from speaking to his wife disappeared as quickly as it had come. He looked up and saw the expression on his little sister's face.

Matt went to Ruthie and put his hands on her shoulders. "Ruthie, I have to get back to school," he replied gently. "You understand that don't you?"

Ruthie scoffed, pulling away. "How could I? I mean, you're the one who said you were cut off once and you wouldn't be again. And now you want to run back to New York not even a _week_ after you got here!"

"I don't _want_ to, I – "

"Liar!" Fire burned behind Ruthie's eyes.

"Ruthie –"

"You promised!" she screamed, pounding Matt's chest with her fists.

Lucy barged into the room having heard yelling. She pulled a tearful Ruthie away from Matt, though she thought Matt deserved to be clobbered.

"It's okay, Ruthie," she soothed as the younger girl buried her face into Lucy's shoulder.

"He promised," Ruthie sobbed, her words muffled.

Lucy threw an annoyed glare at Matt and replied, "I know."


	10. Living Dead

**Obscuring Tears**

Chapter Ten:

_Living Dead_

* * *

_My skin is cut but does not hurt_

_I see red and then I feel_

_'Cause blood is the only thing that_

_Can make me feel somewhat real._

Her body shuddered and shook. Small beads of cold sweat lined her forehead and glistened in the slivers of moonlight that slipped though the closed blinds and painted her face. In attempt to stop the trembling, Ruthie pulled her knees to her chest, curling into a tight ball. She needed something, something sharp to cut with, but there was nothing. Lucy had cleaned her out.

Ruthie couldn't believe how stupid she had been to actually go along with the bit they fed her about how they would all help each other through this. Now she realized how ridiculous it really was. She especially couldn't get over Matt and what a hypocrite he had become in just one day. Whenever she thought of him, severe hatred coursed through her body and the need to destroy something was stronger than ever.

Pushing up her sleeves, she clawed at her scabs, wanting to rip them open and feel the warm blood - the proof that she was _alive_ and this wasn't some sort of hell she had imagined - run over her skin and watch drip slowly onto the sheets. Getting a nail under one rather large and long scab, she picked until she was able the grasp the layer with her thumb and forefinger and pulled it back, exposing the wound. Instantly, blood sprang from the open lesion like water flowing in a river snaking down a mountainside.

The young woman smiled slightly as her breathing began to slow. A silent calm settled over her for a few blissful moments while she watched the dark liquid fall from her arm to the soft sheets of her bed. She wore an expression so blank and so emotionless it was difficult to tell if she even harbored a soul.

_Clink. _

A pebble had gently knocked against the glass of her window. Ruthie's gaze shifted from her arm to the casement so simply as if someone threw rocks at her windowpane every night. She hadn't moved, just sort of sat there with her head cocked slightly to the side and stared.

_Clink._

It hit again, but this time her name was called softly only seconds afterward. Sighing, she yanked a tissue out of the box on her nightstand and wiped the blood away before tugging her sleeve down. She pushed the covers off her legs and got to her knees to peek out through the blinds slits. Bert stood outside with a handful of small, gray stones, hoping that someone would answer him.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, leaning out her window.

He shrugged, dropping the rocks. Smiling he said, "I couldn't get you off my mind."

She raised an eyebrow. "And you couldn't have just come over tomorrow morning because…?"

Bert shoved his hands deep into his pockets. "Because I couldn't sleep without seeing you first. You were awake, so what does it matter?"

Ruthie sighed. "I guess it doesn't."

"Come out with me," he offered with a nod of his head. When she didn't reply right away, he asked, "What, do you have something better to do?"

A slight twinge came from her wrist. "No," she lied. "Let me get my coat."

* * *

_In your eyes I saw_

_What was to be your fate_

_And only then I knew_

_That I was too late._

_Simon stood staring into his mother's face at the wake before the funeral services the next day. She looked oddly plain – not peaceful like most of the people who came through here. Though her eyes were closed and therefore unreadable, Simon could see what she was thinking. It wasn't her time; she had seven kids at home to take care of and love. The corners of her ruby red lips were down turned and her perfectly groomed eyebrows were seemingly placed in a frightened position. This wasn't his mother; it couldn't be._

_Maybe that was why the young man felt no emotion towards this woman who lay in the casket before him with his mother's name. He didn't cry, felt no sadness whatsoever, even though those around him had tearstained faces. He didn't feel angry, like this wasn't right. There were no feelings left to feel; Simon was completely drained._

_It was the same when he saw his father just a few feet down. He and Annie wore identical expressions, and Simon was sure they were thinking the same thoughts when their car became nothing more than a twisted piece of metal._

Simon stirred but did not wake.

_He was riding in Kevin's car, in the passenger's seat, as he and the older police officer swept the city looking for Ruthie. Simon was staring out the window, looking past his disheveled reflection on the pane. The streets were abandoned and wet, showing no signs of life at all. Everything seemed so desolate and depressing, he was beginning to wonder if they would ever find his sister._

_"We…need something hot," Kevin had been mumbling._

_Simon looked at him. "What?" he asked._

_Kevin glanced at him briefly as if this man sitting beside him were crazy. "Soup," he replied. "Hot soup. I'm hungry and need to replenish myself." Looking back to the road, he muttered, "Soup will do that."_

_Oddly, Simon didn't feel as if this was something to be confused about. In fact, it seemed to make perfect sense, and he went back to scanning the sidewalks that glistened in the moonlight._

_Kevin pulled into his drive and parked the car. They stepped out onto the cement and closed the doors behind them. As soon as Simon went to turn around to make his way into the house, he found himself in the second floor hallway of his childhood home – the one owned by his father's church._

_"Kevin?" he called out, his voice bouncing off the walls and echoing right back to him. There was no reply, and Simon looked around, noticing for the first time that he was alone. "Hello?"_

_The house was eerily quiet and was apparently vacant. He took a step to leave but the moment his foot came down on the carpet, the corridor came to life. There was a piercing scream and Simon whipped around, catching sight of Matt and Lucy, both looking horrified and frightened. Simon's eyes slid father to the right and that was when his heart started pounding. Ruthie was standing in front of them all, her face drenched with sweat and tears, holding a shiny black pistol to her head._

_Lucy was pleading with Ruthie to give her the gun, saying anything and everything that might calm her younger sister down and get her to think rationally. Matt acted as if he was glued to the floor, not able to move. Simon watched helplessly, feeling the blood in his veins drop a thousand degrees._

_Ruthie screwed her eyes shut and tightened her grip. Nothing Lucy was saying was working. He knew he had to do something, but there was nothing. Simon stopped breathing and he found it impossible to draw in any oxygen._

_What happened next was so surreal that Simon had a hard time believing it was even taking place. Ruthie had opened her eyes and looked straight at him, their gazes locking. It was in those few, critical moments that Simon realized that whatever he could have done was already too late to do. He realized how damaged she was, how incredibly depressed she had become._

_She shed a final tear then pulled the trigger._

_"No!" Simon cried, but he knew he was too late. The blood was on the walls, on his face, in his hair. Ruthie's body was sprawled out on the ground, a pool of the dark fluid spreading around it. There was a giant hole in what was left of her skull. The bullet had blasted almost everything away, causing her to be barely recognizable._

_She was dead even before she hit the floor._

Simon sat bolt upright, cold sweat dripping off his face. His body shook uncontrollably as his mind scrambled to decipher if that was nothing more than a nightmare or a memory. He felt sick.

Matt woke beside him and sat up, sensing that something was wrong. "Are you okay?" he asked, studying his brother's upset appearance.

Without a word, Simon flung the bedcovers off his body and stepped onto the carpet. He practically flew down the hall to Ruthie's room and opened her door. Simon was greeted with an icy wind that blew in from the open window. He leaned over her bed to close the pane, and when he leaned back, he saw something that did not ease his mind at all: scattered drops of blood on her white sheets.


	11. Twisted

**_Obscuring Tears_**

Chapter Eleven:

_Twisted_

* * *

_Once upon a year gone by,_

_She saw herself give in._

_Every time she closed her eyes,_

_She saw what could have been._

Crickets chirped from the tall grass in the park as Ruthie and Bert walked hand in hand. The pebbles of the path under their feet groaned as they scraped together. There was a comfortable silence between the two until Bert suddenly noticed something.

"You're shaking," he observed, a tinge of concern lingering in his voice. Now he looked to her face, trying to catch her wandering gaze.

Ruthie glanced nervously down at her trembling fingers that were interwoven with his. "It's just a little chilly out tonight," she lied, using the weather as an excuse.

Bert quickly took in her thin, white jacket and her bare feet. He released her hand and slipped off his own, much thicker, coat, draping it around her narrow, slouched shoulders.

Giving him a momentary look, she thanked him with a warm smile. They continued to walk, a relaxed silence settling between them once again. Neither knew where they were going, but they didn't care. Anywhere was fine as long as they were together, and Ruthie was in no hurry to go home. She could stay out forever if it meant avoiding what she knew was waiting for her.

* * *

_Take away the sensation inside_

_Bittersweet migraine in my head_

_It's like a throbbing toothache of the mind_

_I can't take this feeling anymore._

"This is all your fault," Simon stated angrily as he noisily reentered the spare bedroom where his older brother, Matt, sat in the bed, looking as confused as he felt.

"What's all my fault?" he asked, watching Simon pull the shirt he wore the previous day over his head.

Simon huffed, "Ruthie's gone."

Matt rolled his eyes and swung his legs over the edge of the mattress. "Again?" he inquired, a hint of annoyance swimming in his voice.

"Yes, _again_," Simon spat, yanking on his shoes without bothering to tie the laces. "If you hadn't decided to leave after making such a big deal with your noble we'll-get-through-this-together speech, maybe she would like us – you – better and wouldn't have thought that running away was necessary, or even a good idea."

"What's going on?" Lucy asked. She, Kevin, and the boys appeared in the doorway, all with puffy, red eyes from being woken from their sleep too early.

"Take a guess," Matt answered, running a hand through his hair.

Lucy's eyes widened. "Where's Ruthie?"

"Not here," Simon grumbled.

"And that's apparently my fault," Matt retorted as Simon threw him a heated glare. Had it been years earlier, the medical student would have expected Lucy to take his side, but against all of his wishes, the married woman sided with Simon.

"Look where she learned it from," she said simply. She turned to the boys. "Guys, why don't you go back to bed? Everything will be okay by the time you wake up."

"What about Ruthie?" David asked sleepily, rubbing his eyes.

"Ruthie will be fine. You can see her tomorrow," Lucy assured them, and with a nod they walked back down the hall to their room.

Simon waited until his brother's were out of earshot before saying, "I'm going out to look for her. Are any of you coming with me?" The air was still. "Well?"

"Simon, maybe we should just let her come home on her own. Last time you guys went to look for her and you couldn't find her," Lucy meekly suggested under Simon's harsh gaze.

"And if she doesn't come home?" Simon prompted, his eyes holding impassioned flames.

Kevin shrugged. "Then we'll call the police department and report her."

Simon looked to Matt, but the man, who was already feeling both hopeless and helpless, said nothing. As he slid his arms through his jacket, he shook his head in disgrace and left.

* * *

_As darkness quickly steals the light_

_That shined within her eyes._

_She slowly swallows all her fear_

_And soothes her mind with lies._

Kevin stepped away from the fireplace after throwing in another log before coming to join Lucy on the couch. She was curled up with her legs tucked neatly underneath her body, clutching a warm blanket to her chest. Her mind was wandering, Kevin could tell. It was hard to even keep a conversation going between them with her short and automatic answers.

He smiled at her and joined her under the blanket, cuddling her close. Lucy laid her head on Kevin's strong shoulder and gazed distantly into the fire, the flames reflecting vibrantly in her bright eyes. Kevin kissed the crown of her head and caressed her arm through the thick material comfortingly.

"What's going on, baby?" he asked gently.

Lucy watched a single spark fly in the pit before answering in a soft, barely audible voice, "I'm scared."

"Of what?"

Lucy was quiet for so long, Kevin was wondering if she was going to speak at all. "Of Ruthie. I'm not really afraid _of_ her, I'm afraid _for_ her. I'm so afraid that she's going to do something…."

"Stupid?" Kevin provided.

Lucy nodded. "I have this terrible feeling that she's going to try something. I don't know if she's thinking about doing drugs or if she's thinking of killing herself." She swallowed. "But with the way she's been acting, I don't think I'm wrong…"

* * *

_Nothing hurts and nothing bleeds_

_When covers tucked in tight_

_Funny when the bottom drops_

_How she forgets to fight._

"I hope you don't mind," Bert said suddenly, stopping in the path just before it forked off into two different directions. "I have to get something from someone. It'll just take a second."

Ruthie looked at him, reading his eyes but not recognizing the expression in them. "What is it?" she asked curiously.

"Nothing really, but I need to pick it up right now. My friend is just down there," he replied, pointing with his right hand down a narrow, dark trail that was so small, Ruthie hadn't even noticed it. "You can come with me, unless you want to stay here by yourself…"

Ruthie shook her head and gripped Bert's hand tighter. "No," she answered firmly. "I'm coming with you."

He smiled and led her through the heavily wooded area, pushing back branches for her as they went. Ruthie was beginning to think Bert was just goofing around with her, just trying to buy more time to stay with her, but as she was about to say something, she caught sight of a shadowy figure in the near distance. She squinted, trying to make out his facial features, but they were hidden in the darkness from the large hood over his head.

"Ten bucks a hit," the man said in a scratchy voice.

Ruthie glanced at Bert, who seemed unalarmed. He had let her hand drop as he dug into his back pocket, producing a crisp ten-dollar bill. In once swift motion, the money was traded for a white, rolled piece of paper. Instantly, Ruthie knew what was going on: Bert was into drugs and now she was involved in his trade. Instead of being appalled, Ruthie found herself strangely fascinated.

Just before they stepped back onto the path and into the bright moonlight, Bert handed her the joint. "Happy birthday," he said.

Ruthie took the illegal object from him without hesitation. "Wait. You bought this for me?"

Bert shrugged. "I know you've been really depressed lately, and I thought I would give you the chance to be…relaxed. Besides, I've already got one, and I thought we could have fun together."

She studied the joint in her hand then shoved it into the jacket pocket. Ruthie looked over at Bert and said, "Where can we go?"

* * *

_All she wants and all she needs,_

_Are reasons to survive._

_A day in which the sun will take_

_Her artificial light._

Simon had passed the park for the second time now. He had been searching everywhere he could think of for his sister, and still he had no luck. Just as he was about to give up and go home, he heard this insane, but familiar, giggling coming from somewhere nearby. His feet were fast, barely skimming the ground as he walked. The laughter was becoming louder and more clear, and the closer he got, the more sure he was that this was Ruthie.

In the silver light, he could make out two figures on the ground. He broke into a run, kneeling down next to Ruthie, who lay on her back in the grassed that was sprinkled with dew.

"Are you okay!" he asked in alarm. As Ruthie continued to laugh hysterically, he studied her face. Her eyes were glazed over and he could smell the marijuana on her breath. He glanced over to the boy that lay a few feet from her and instantly recognized him as Ruthie's former boyfriend. Simon noticed that he, too, was stoned.

Sighing, Simon grabbed his sister's arms, ready to help her up. "Can you stand?"

She looked at him. "No, but I can fly." She snorted with laughter. Simon, however, found nothing funny.

He pulled Ruthie off the ground, scooping her up as if she were nothing more than a child.

Bert got up from his spot and glared at Simon angrily. "Hey, man. Put her down. She don't want to go with you."

Simon turned to face the younger guy. "Hey, man," he retorted, "Go home." Not caring if Bert found his way back to his own abode or not, Simon started on his way back to Lucy's with Ruthie in his arms laughing as if she belonged in an insane asylum.

* * *

**Disclaimer: **I was too lazy and too uninspired to write any original poetry for this chapter, so I decided to take a few verses from songs that I thought would fit nicely…(and if they don't, too bad). 

Also, there was a quote from _Angel_ in this chapter: "No, but I can fly." Yeah, so that's not mine. I'm not _that_ brilliant.

_Vanessa Carlton:_

_Paradise (Be Not Nobody - CD)_

_-_

_Once upon a year gone by,_

_She saw herself give in._

_Every time she closed her eyes,_

_She saw what could have been._

_-_

_As darkness quickly steals the light_

_That shined within her eyes._

_She slowly swallows all her fear_

_And soothes her mind with lies._

_-_

_Nothing hurts and nothing bleeds_

_When covers tucked in tight_

_Funny when the bottom drops_

_How she forgets to fight._

_-_

_All she wants and all she needs,_

_Are reasons to survive._

_A day in which the sun will take_

_Her artificial light._

_Green Day:_

_Give Me Novacaine (American Idiot – CD)_

_-_

_Take away the sensation inside_

_Bittersweet migraine in my head_

_It's like a throbbing toothache of the mind_

_I can't take this feeling anymore._


	12. Breaking Point

**Obscuring Tears**

Chapter Twelve:

_Breaking Point_

* * *

_Every time I close my eyes_

_All I see is rain_

_Drops slapping the ground_

_Silencing my pain._

She never took her eyes off him, not for one second. Anger was in her heart, leaving room for nothing else. And as he stood there, his hand just resting on the doorknob, she glared, daring silently him to step out that door.

Matt glanced over his shoulder slowly, feeling Ruthie's vengeful stare on his back. He saw her leaning up against the wall's corner looking as if she moved away from it she would fall over. She hadn't said a word to her, not since that night he had announced that he was leaving. Truthfully, she wasn't supposed know, but she had overheard. It was a curse.

He sighed, turning back to the door, subconsciously knowing that once he stepped outside, his relationship with his littlest sister could be destroyed forever. The door opened with a soft click, and bright yellow sunshine, as yellow as the walls, flooded into the room, just missing Ruthie's fragile frame and leaving her in the cold shadows.

Lucy followed him to his rented car that was parked near the curb in front of the house. She grabbed his arm just as he opened the door. Her grip was surprisingly tight, and Matt had to refrain from cringing.

With fire in her eyes, she hissed, "I can't believe you're doing this. I thought you knew better."

Matt yanked his arm from her grasp. "What can I do, Lucy? I've stayed an extra day for her, and she does nothing to show that me staying here is helping her. I don't think it will matter if I stay here or in New York." He paused. "What else is there to say?"

"It's not what you _say_; it's what you do," she replied. "I haven't been down to the church in weeks, even though there is still so much to be done since dad died. I have put my life on hold just for Ruthie – to be there for her – and it may not be something that she appreciates, or wants, but it's something. She needs to know that she's not alone."

"I'm not like you," he said shortly and got into his car. With one last look at Lucy's hurt and disappointed face, Matt shoved the key into the ignition and drove off, leaving his sister standing in the road…alone.

* * *

_There is nothing left of me_

_God, I feel so cold_

_And you made me this way_

_You have taken hold._

When Lucy had gone back into the house moments later, her anger was still raging and instantly she found the courage to stand up to her sarcastic, I-think-the-world-revolves-around-me sister. She took no notice of Simon and the boys standing at the window, who no doubt saw the entire exchange between herself and Matt, and flew down the hallway, throwing open Ruthie's bedroom door.

There were tears in Ruthie's eyes as she looked up from her bed to see who had just barged into her space, but Lucy didn't care. She had had enough of this manipulation. She was tired of worrying about this teenager who acted as if she cared of no one but herself, tired of thinking that something bad was going to happen to her whenever she was out of sight. This had to stop, and it was going to stop right here.

"Get up," Lucy demanded, pulling a suitcase out of the crowded closet.

"What are you doing?" Ruthie asked apprehensively, swinging her legs over the edge of the mattress. She knew Lucy was crazy, but now she must have snapped.

Lucy began to throw clothes that didn't even match into the luggage, not really caring what went with what or even if it was clean. She just threw what clothing she could find into the bag and when it was full, she grabbed another green travel case.

"You're leaving," she replied shortly, not looking into the confused eyes that stared at her.

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about you going to live somewhere else," Lucy said, zipping up the last suitcase. "Obviously, Kevin and I can't do anything for you and you don't want our help anyway, so we are giving someone else a shot."

Ruthie scoffed. "Where am I going to go?" she insisted, her arms crossed over her chest.

"Maybe Aunt Julie's, or The Colonel's. And if they can't take you, you'll go to some rehabilitation center." Lucy threw the baggage out the door and into the hallway where it landed with a dull _thump_. "I don't really care."

"What's wrong with you!"

"For the past few months, Ruthie, you've been what's wrong with me! You don't even care about any of the rest of us. All we've done is try to make you see that you weren't alone, that we loved you, and you've just shunned us. So, now what are we supposed to do Ruthie? Just let you stay here and watch you continue to spiral downward?"

"Why do you care so much? Matt doesn't."

Lucy threw up her hands. "Why do you think he left, Ruthie? Because he knew he couldn't do anything to help set you back on the right track."

"So this is your solution?" Ruthie asked quietly. "To ship me off to possibly live with complete strangers or relatives that I haven't seen or talked to in months?"

Lucy nodded. "Yes, because I know that someone down the line will help you if you'll let them."

"What if I don't want to go?" Ruthie offered. "What if I'm not going to go?"

"Doesn't matter. You're going," she stated firmly. "Even if Kevin and I have to drag you there ourselves." She turned and walked out of the room. "I'll let you know where you're new home will be in fifteen minutes!" she called over her shoulder.

Ruthie glared at the spot where her sister had just disappeared. "I'll look forward to it," she spat under her breath and kicked her jewelry box that sat on the floor flying across the room.

* * *

_If you could see me now,_

_Would you say you're proud?_

_Or would you turn your back_

_And say nothing to me aloud?_

"It's time to go," Simon announced sullenly, poking his head into her room. You have a flight for Buffalo, New York in about an hour."

"So, it's the Colonel's then," she concluded.

Simon nodded. As Ruthie grew close, he wrapped his arms around her. "I love you, Ruthie," he whispered in her ear.

"I know," she replied, closing her eyes as her head lay on his warm chest. "I love you, too." She sighed. "I guess I really screwed up."

"Yeah, you did," he agreed. "But you'll redeem yourself. I know you will." He let her go and smiled down at her.

"So, you're not mad at me?" she asked a hint of hope in her voice.

Simon watched her for a moment and saw the weakness in her eyes. The old Ruthie was coming back, he could tell, but she wouldn't be here for a very long time. "No," he said. "I'm not mad at you."

Ruthie was silent for a moment, staring off into the distance with fixed, unblinking eyes as a blood-chilling thought ran through her. Her muscles tenses and she felt paralyzed by her instant and newfound fear. A particular musing had flashed across her mind, a musing that she thought would never bother her, but now it was the worst feeling in the world.

Simon gently touched her shoulder. "What are you thinking?" he asked, feeling the slightest bit uneasy.

"D-Do you think…" she stammered, unable to get out the words that she so desperately wanted to throw away and bury. "Do you think Mom and Dad will ever forgive me?"

With wide, frightened eyes, Ruthie caught his gaze and for seemingly endless seconds, they looked into each other's souls. She searched her brother's green eyes for answers to impossible questions, for comfort of some sort, or maybe, if not that, a lie that she truly believed; anything to calm her. But she found nothing but emptiness, and for the first time in a long while, Ruthie knew that Simon was as lost as she was.

He looked away, laughing nervously and dropping his hands into his lap, where he could then fidget with his fingers. She watched, awaiting his answer. Simon could feel Ruthie's eyes on him, making him even more uncomfortable and rack his brain even harder for the perfect lie.

Finally, he turned back to her and smiled. "I know that they were proud of you, and that they loved you unconditionally, so I'm sure that they would forgive you…considering the circumstances."

A hint of confusion and doubt lingered behind Ruthie's eyes and Simon instantly felt his heart jump into his throat. His reply hadn't been good enough. She didn't believe him. But, in no time, that confusion faded and once again, her eyes were barren as she found something else to focus on.

"What about Lucy?"

Simon laughed, thankful for a question that he knew the answer to, or could at least guess superbly at. "Truthfully, I don't think I've ever seen her this mad, but eventually, she will. She loves you, Ruthie. That's why she's doing this."

Ruthie forced herself to smile and act as if she believed him. "Sure."


	13. Define Me

**Obscuring Tears**

Chapter 13:

_Define Me_

* * *

_You say that I am special_

_You say that I am kind_

_You say that I am pretty_

_You couldn't be more blind_

"Hey, where are you going?" he asked casually as he walked up the drive with his hands shoved deeply into his pockets. There was a curious smile on his face as he leaned in to give her a gentle kiss on her cheek. When he pulled away and studied the emotion in her eyes, he felt an unfamiliar pang in his stomach.

Ruthie sighed, as she threw the last of her luggage in the trunk of Lucy and Kevin's minivan. He watched her silently, still awaiting an answer.

"I'm going to New York to live with my grandparents," she explained shortly.

Bert laughed nervously after a short pause. "No, really, where are you going?"

She looked away.

"Ruthie…" he said, his voice sounding strange, choked.

The young woman forced herself to look into Bert's disbelieving eyes. Strangely, she felt as if she was abandoning him, as if they were in a relationship that meant something.

"Bert, I'm sorry, but it's not like you're losing anything," she explained. "I wasn't really that good a friend anyway."

"No," he refused, "you really _were_ a good friend. You could never _not_ be a good friend to me." He paused, taking a deep breath. "I think I'm in love with you."

Ruthie seemed to freeze, seemed to stop breathing, for only a moment, then threw her head back, bursting into wild, uncontrollable laughter until warm tears ran from the corners of her eyes.

Bert chuckled nervously, feeling his cheeks grow hot as if there were a raging fire under his pale skin. He bit the inside of his lip as Ruthie entered a new fit of giggles.

"Um, it's really not that funny," Bert said shyly.

Ruthie shook her head, wiping her eyes. "No," she shrieked with laughter, "it's hilarious."

Bert took a deep breath. "Ruthie, could stop that? You are starting to scare me a little."

She held up a hand, trying to catch her breath. Once she locked eyes with Bert, she became completely serious.

Clearing her throat, she replied, "I'm sorry, Bert. It's just – You _cannot_ be in love with me."

He shrugged. "Why not? You're beautiful, you're funny, and you're sweet. I can't think of anything bad about you."

"No, you don't understand. The girl that you knew wasn't me."

Bert's brow furrowed. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm lost. The real me is lost. Right now, I am so messed up, I can't find the line between sane and insane, good and bad, right and wrong."

Bert shook his head. "I don't get you."

There was a loud and seemingly angry bang as the screen door to the house clanged shut. Lucy flew down the short walkway from the porch carrying a final bag in her arms, which she threw carelessly into the back of the minivan. As she turned around, her eyes finally landed on Ruthie and for a moment she studied the girl's face as if she had seen her for the first time.

"We are leaving," she stated firmly as the boys, Kevin, and Simon made their way down the walk and piled into the vehicle.

Ruthie pulled Bert a few feet away from her family as so they couldn't overhear, but was painfully aware of their eyes on her. She shook them off as best as she could.

"Look," she whispered. "I need help." She paused, a surprised expression occupying her face. "Wow. I think that's the first time I've said _that_ out loud."

"I'm sorry, I still don't understand."

Ruthie gave a small, sympathetic smile. "That's okay. I'm just having a hard time dealing with all that's happened, and I guess I have to go away to get better."

He gazed into her eyes, searching for the answers to impossible questions. Bert shrugged and sighed. "If that's the only way, then I want you to be happy."

"I don't think it's the only way, but Lucy seems pretty set on it." She rolled her eyes in her sister's direction.

Bert gave a small smile. "Just don't forget about me."

Ruthie laughed. "Like I could." She threw her arms around him and pecked him on the cheek. "I'll write. Goodbye."

She turned on her heels, her hair whipping her face. He watched them turn the corner and disappear from sight before he even found his voice.

"'Bye."

* * *

_There are so many things_

_That I need to say and do._

_But all I can do now_

_Is cry because I miss you._

Ruthie twisted in her seat as they drove away and watched Bert become nothing more than a small dot on the horizon. A twinge of sadness crept into her heart and she felt as if she were leaving him behind like a worthless piece of garbage. When they rounded a corner, she straightened out and stared forward into nothingness.

Though they still had a good fifty-five minutes before takeoff, Lucy drove like a maniac through the city, always above the speed limit. Kevin, being a police officer, said nothing having picked up on the negativity his wife was sending out. She had obviously found a way - if not a safe way – to relieve at least _some_ of her pent-up frustration.

Lucy was breathing hard, her lips in a tight line, eyes never leaving the road.

Ruthie did not bother to hide her unhappiness and wore it on her face. Her gaze traveled past her own transparent reflection on the glass and out toward the blurred scenery of streetlamps and traffic signs. She let her eyes go out of focus, not caring what things were anymore. Suddenly, a familiar white-iron fence was running by and Ruthie snapped back to reality.

"Stop!" she screamed, grabbing the head rest of the front passenger seat, causing everyone in the minivan to jump at the abrupt sound, even Lucy, who had hit the brakes.

They were all looking at her now, just as they had before, and an unsettling feeling washed over her. She and Lucy locked eyes and without words, Lucy pulled the van over and let Ruthie out.

The cemetery.

Annie and Eric Camden were not buried far from the road, allowing Ruthie to find their headstones rather quickly. She was instantly shamed, thinking that she was just going to board a plane and fly clear across the country without even stopping to say goodbye.

Ruthie fell to her knees, disregarding the thought of grass stains. She scanned the two identical gray stones and tried to smile. Her parents had been through so much together and no matter what, they had stuck by each other for better or worse. And now here they were, together for eternity, as they had planned the moment they said, "I do."

"Hi, Mom, Dad," she started, her voice unsure and shaky.

She had so many things to say to them, but couldn't find the perfect opening words. For a moment, she just sat there in silence.

On the verge of tears, she took a deep breath and whispered, "I'm so scared. Every day I wake up and I wonder why I am still here and you aren't. You both were so much better people than I can ever hope to be. These past few months ought to prove that."

She bowed her head, clutching the stalks of grass for support. "I'm so lost," she sobbed. "I don't know who I am anymore. I've done things that I would never have done if you were still here. They way I've treated the people that I respected…. God, I'm sorry."

A woman had come to stand beside this crying child, her white dress flowing behind her in the cold breeze. Ruthie caught sight of this woman's shadow and looked over her shoulder. The sun beat down on her face, illuminating the wet tear streaks running in every direction off her face.

"Lucy," Ruthie choked as her sister came to sit on the ground and gathered her in her arms. "I'm so sorry. Please, forgive me."

"It's okay, Ruthie," Lucy repeated over and over again, stroking her sister's hair and rocking her back and forth as she had seen her mother do a million times before. A few tears had slipped down her own face. Every trace of her anger had melted away when she had seen her sister alone through the window.

"Oh, God, I'm sorry," Ruthie bawled, her words choppy and muffled through her tears and Lucy's dress.

All time was lost and neither sister cared weather or not they made it to the airport in time. In this moment, Lucy felt a connection to Ruthie that she thought had been lost forever. Sometimes the saddest and most difficult things that can happen to one little girl in such a large world are the most rewarding.

**The End**


End file.
